Polyanarchy

So this question popped up on the Polyamory forums recently :

Hi Polly,

I’m interested in something-more-than-platonic with two friends of mine (seperately, rather than as a group). They’ve already been good friends for a while. If I ask one of them out, should I disclose that I fancy her friend too? And if so, when?

Ancelin

And a lot of the answers this poster got were pretty big on the whole "NOOOO don't do two at a time!" thing. On the other hand some people felt it would be lying NOT to tell both people. I just thought people were missing the point, so I found my ink and quill and got cracking :

I wouldn't make a hard rule about starting more than one relationship at the same time, but I would caution anyone who tried that they need to consider the amount of energy it will take to bootstrap two new relationships. New relationships are about as disruptive to your old lifestyle as having a child (ok, maybe not quite that bad but it comes close.) and you may find yourself suffering from burnout, or alternatively neglecting one of both of your partners because you don't have enough emotional bandwidth to keep up with the intensity of NRE generally found in a new relationship. Even old-hands at poly struggle with this particular nugget. 

I think the idea of learning to just sit with your affection for a person for a while is a good thing. Sometimes it just isn't the right time or place to start a relationship. Life is long, and it is worth it to take your time rather than compulsively attaching yourself to every person you are attracted to just because you are not prohibited from doing so. I don't think that qualifies as being deceitful - it strikes me as being a mature, responsible adult.

Then again you simply can't always control when you find someone who just fits, and if there happens to be two then the best you can do is arm yourself with foreknowledge. My best piece of advice would be to really focus on remembering to take care of your own needs, and encouraging your lovers to do likewise. Early on in a relationship we all tend to want to do anything and everything to please our new partner, and it is easy to let yourself get lost in that (I speak from experience here!). Consciously take some time-outs where you spend time alone with yourself taking stock and remind your lovers to do the same - especially if anyone in the group is new to polyamory.

I do not believe in hierarchical relationships - I prefer to see all my partners as part of my extended family, and families do their best not to play favourites. When any one person in my "family" has an issue, all of us who are involved sit down and talk about it in a group. They don't have to all be BBF's, or lovers, but they should at least be able to have an adult conversation with one another in a friendly manner. I may not be popular for saying this, but personally I feel that wanting to segregate different partners is a sign of a lack of trust between partners and maturity from the person who is insisting on the segregation.

It essentially boils down to an inability to accept the truth - that you are in a non-monogamous relationship, and that this requires adjustments on your part that may trigger your feelings of insecurity and abandonment. If you are not willing and able to address these issues in an adult fashion through clear communication with all involved parties, you may not be mature enough emotionally to handle polyamory. 

If those feelings are born out of issues in your existing relationship, it is best to resolve these issues with your partner BEFORE entering into a new relationship with a third party. If they are born out of previous trauma or abuse, I'd suggest getting therapy for a while, then trying again once you've learned to handle the issues better. It all boils down to taking personal responsibility for your own needs and happiness.

For me the heart of the matter is that there are no hard rules in Polyamory - much like Anarchy - and that it comes down to each of the partners involved knowing their own limitations well and practicing self discipline. There are no poly-policemen who will keep them in line, and it is up to them to show the maturity needed to self-regulate their relationship. 

That's all she wrote!