tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37466671706630956272024-03-26T11:03:46.812+02:00Halcyon Days"Having observed that I have all my life acted more from the force of feeling than from my reflections, I have concluded that my conduct has depended more on my character than on my mind, after long struggle between them in which I have alternately found myself with too little intelligence for my character and too little character for my intelligence." - Giacomo Casanova, History of my life Vol. 1Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-37321248583634640412018-10-29T14:16:00.000+02:002018-10-29T14:35:42.407+02:00How to say and do the right thing for someone struggling with chronic illness <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If any of you have recently watched the first Deadpool movie, I'll refer you now to a the scene above in which Wade Wilson goes on a mini rant about cancer to his girlfriend Vanessa.<br />
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At the end of the scene he emphatically states: "And under no circumstances will I invite YOU to this (shit) show!"<br />
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That got me thinking about the role of isolation in Chronic illness.<br />
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It's generally well known that being socially isolated makes people more likely to develop mental and physical illness... so it's obviously a good idea for someone already prone to these things not to be left on their own for too long right?<br />
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So why do we have such a problem showing up for our Chronically ill friends?<br />
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I'm assuming it's not because we don't care. On the contrary I'm fairly certain the reason we don't show up is because we don't know HOW. But if we keep a level heald about it I figure it's pretty simple.<br />
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We all get taught to think about illness in a certain way. From childhood illness is described as follows:<br />
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1. Something that can be managed by consuming healing substances or getting procedures done and resting.<br />
2. A state in which you should more often than not isolate yourself from others and withdraw for a time to heal.<br />
3. It is thought of as a state of being less than a normal human. Something is WRONG with you. You're not fully at capacity.<br />
4. You are only given a fixed period in which to convalesce. When you take too long to heal, others may judge you as being poor at caring for yourself or you are lying about how ill you are.<br />
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So lets take those four things apart a little more.<br />
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1. Something that can be managed by consuming healing substances or getting procedures done and resting<br />
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This is I think one of the main reasons why chronic illness perplexes healthy people. How do you interface with someone who cannot take something, or receive a procedure, convalesce a while and then heal? What is this voodoo you speak of in which you just STAY SICK?<br />
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This is because unlike normal illnesses, rule one of healing from chronic illness is that even when you take all the medicine and rest all the time and do all the things.....you are still going to have days when you are as sick as most people's worst day of the flu and this won't meaningfully alter based on anything YOU DO.<br />
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There is no control you have over whether or not you will continue to be chronically ill. There is only control over how you deal with being chronically ill.<br />
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This can be hard for people to accept. It's terrifying for healthy people to imagine such a thing. A sickness that doesn't heal? A damp in your performance that doesn't go away? That experience of rubbing up againsts such human frailty can make people feel a bit awkward and stressed. It might remind them of losing a grandparent and watching their decline for example, and bring them to a confrontation of their OWN mortality.<br />
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This can make being around a chronically ill person uncomfortable and even emotional for a well person. But it's really important that friends dig deep within themselves and GET OVER IT. You see, we have those same fears....but for us there isn't a way to avoid confronting them. It literally lives with us in our body. If we can live with it day by day, I'm pretty confident you will discover you have the strength if you challenge yourself.<br />
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By all means, if the feeling overwhelms you do something about it. We do. Speak to your own doctor or therapist about your fears. Talk to a parent or a priest. This is what we do as chronically ill people to find the strength so there's no reason you shouldn't do the same.<br />
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But do that work, if you love us, of getting over being afraid of being us.<br />
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2. A state in which you should more often than not isolate yourself from others and withdraw for a time to heal<br />
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Staying home and healing up and not making a nuisance of my sick self in public is totally a valid thing to do when I have a cold that passes in three days. But when you have a chronic illness there comes a point when like it or not, my sick self is going to need to be about my business. There's simply no way around that.<br />
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Being chronically ill means doing things while you are technically so sick you should be in bed, or in hospital. This is another one that hits healthy people in a hard way. Because they have never had to get up and keep going through terrible illness, many don't realise it's actually a thing people do who are chronically ill. They somehow naively believe that being chronically ill is like having your period. You're ill...for a few days a month every month. They often cannot fathom waking up deeply tired, crushingly in pain and emotionally wrecked....and still getting out of the house and doing a days work.<br />
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I would challenge anyone who is healthy but wants to understand the experience a little better. For a full month, you are not allowed to brush your teeth, comb your hair, or wash unless you have done an extra two hours in the gym.<br />
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This will serve two purposes. You'll be tired as hell. That's something chronically ill people understand well. You will feel stiff and sore all the time and everywhere. Check. You'll want to shower and brush your teeth but find yourself skipping it because the thought of those two hours in the gym will simply be too much some days. You'll discover that wet wipes, dry shampoo, hand sanitiser, and deodorant have off-label uses you never dreamed of. And you'll be RIPPED if you manage to keep it up.<br />
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IF you keep it up.<br />
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Because pulling an extra two hours in the gym each day is a lot like being chronically ill. The amount of extra energy, time and physical discomfort involved can be somewhat mimicked by doing a really hard workout.<br />
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If this thought experiment is sufficient to give you ample empathy for how not cool that might be, skip the gym if you want....but remember that I don't ever get to skip being chronically ill. If I don't "go to the gym" of dealing with my chronic illness, chances are I either land up in hospital, or lose mobility or the ability to speak or think straight, or in some cases some people with chronic illnesses can even die if they skip a day of showing up to the work of their illness.<br />
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And there's generally not a point where caring for your chronic illness means you get FITTER. Unlike working out, you don't get buff from being chronically ill.<br />
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3. It is thought of as a state of being less than a normal human. You're not fully at capacity. Something is WRONG with you.<br />
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When you have a chronic illness, you're never going to be at full capacity ever again. You're now forever going to be someone that is checking their daily capacity, and based on a few factors the most of which you do not control, you will wake with some fraction of the percentage of energy and ability that prior to chronic illness you'd have considered your best day. Having your best day is like having your birthday or winning the lottery.<br />
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So there is something here we need to address. People who are not at the same capacity for work as other people are not broken or lesser than or subhuman or WRONG. Your worth as a being isn't determined by your CAPACITY FOR WORK.<br />
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This is something that's become really entrenched in our capitalist industrialist society, and it's a dangerous belief. Being a good friend to a person with a chronic illness means leaving this limiting belief behind. Our lives have inherent worth, meaning and purpose even when we cannot work.<br />
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Not being able to work is not a form of weakness, or poor judgment, or a flawed character. Being chronically too ill to work a normal job or any job is just a reality of life with chronic illness.<br />
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There are many ways to be of value to your community even then. I run a 5000 person strong community support group online, and coordinate relief efforts for members of my community in dire straights. I support parents in rearing their children with chronic illnesses like Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and provide them with information and guidance towards resources and support for their families. I also write these blogs and articles and create lessons for people who use alternative means of communication to learn about topics like science or biology.<br />
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These are all things I do sitting in a chair in my room, or in bed. I do not work in the normal sense of the word. But because I do these helpful things when I can do them and I have people who support my patreon page, or my paypal account or send me funds to my backabuddy page. These things all allow me to live despite no having a normal job. This is just as valid a way of living as having a 9 to 5er.<br />
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I'm not able to work...but my life has worth. I'm at full capacity for being ME.<br />
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4. You are only given a fixed period in which to convalesce. When you take too long to heal, others may judge you as being poor at caring for yourself or you are lying about how ill you are.<br />
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People keep expecting me to get better. This is...perplexing. I mean, many of them have known me for decades. Still...they keep expecting me to have another answer when they ask me "How are you?"<br />
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Don't ask people with chronic illness how they are. Ask them how they are TODAY. Or better yet, ask them what they are doing right now that's interesting and fun for them. But don't expect to get a different answer than the one you've been getting for the last week, or month, or year, or decade.<br />
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Chronic illnesses don't heal. There's no period of healing that will fix this. There's often no treatment or cure. Knowing how I'm really doing won't really help you be my friend right now. I know you don't really get it. You aren't' someone with a chronic illness. You need to accept that's a part of MY experience you cannot empathise with. GET OVER IT.<br />
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I have.<br />
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What does help me is you accepting that me not getting better and me still being a mess 6 months or 6 years or 60 years later is OK. Not getting better when you're chronically ill is perfectly valid. I don't need to perform wellness for people who accept my illness - and that takes enormous pressure off of me.<br />
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BE someone who accepts my illness as much as I do.<br />
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What can you do to help though? Well, there is actually a lot! And it's at all different levels of intimacy, commitment, effort, and cost to you so you can always find something nice and helpful to do to support a chronically ill friend no matter the circumstance. Sometimes it just takes being a little more thoughtful, asking the right questions, and thinking outside of the box:<br />
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1. Ask me how I'm doing with my daily regime, or whether there have been any new developments in my treatments or management. Understanding what I do to be well will help you find ways to pitch in, or help me do those things more easily. Chronically ill people often like to relate these sorts of things to each other, so they might be willing to tell you too.<br />
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2. There are great ways to engage and share in my journey of wellbeing. Talking about your own health is fine, and I do care to listen about what you're doing in your life too...Just remember not to pitch in with advice from your auntie who sells Herbalife or this cool article you read on Facebook. You aren't here to give me advice, you're here to get to know the things about my health that matter to me, and maybe help me do those things. Keep the backyard doctoring in the box. if I need your advice, I'll ask.<br />
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2. Share in that path by offering to support me with something. If I'm a forgetful person going through a rough patch, offer to check in on me for a while to help me remember to take my meds each day, or make a point of helping me catch up on difficult chores once every few months. This can just be a quick text message or coming round to take out my trash for all of five minutes once a week. Little things for you are sometimes big things to us.<br />
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3. Drop in once every two weeks to come to visit a housebound friend and bring them a treat. When you're finding it hard to go out or get fun things in your life, being visited can be amazing. Being visited regularly gives structure and a sense of security in a friendship that can be very comforting, especially for a chronically ill person who may feel depressed and isolated.<br />
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4. If you're flush, set up a weekly takeaway delivery to a sick friend's home. Not having to cook one night a week can be a real joy. Better yet, bring your sexy self over and come to watch a movie with us on Pizza night!<br />
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5. Check in from time to time with us whether we need any physical or mental support of a particular kind. Having another fruit basket or slab of chocolate is charming, but having a friend who will ask me what to get me or how to help me is GOLDEN.<br />
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6. Call me just to tell me about your shit. I mean I'm REALLY tired of talking about my shit all the time. I've got to deal with this thing 24/7 and I probably see my doctor more often than I see you. You don't have to talk about this illness of mine ALL THE TIME. I actually want to know what's up for YOU.<br />
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7. Make group outings accessible for me. If you're all doing a ladies night, choose a bar that has an access ramp. Or try going at a time of day or day in the month that I'm actually feeling up to going along - check in with me when that is and help me coordinate when this goes down so I can bring my best self to the party that day. Give me a lift if it's hard for me to drive, or be ready to jet me out of there fast if I pass out or feel ill and let me know you're prepared for those things and I'm totally still welcome. Because I'd just stay home and miss out before I put that on you without your say so. Give me permission to be a drag.<br />
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8. Help me prepare to go to places I need to go. Sometimes I don't need someone to do the thing, I just need someone to sit with me while I do it. Many people with cognitive issues like brain fog or executive function problems just need help from someone in the room offering them pointers on what they were doing and why they were doing it. It's a low maintenance way of giving invaluable support. If I've got a big appointment that's got me rattled, having someone there to ensure I am dressed and ready on time and geared to go takes enormous stress off me, even if they don't actually dress me, or do anything but talk me through the prep.<br />
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9. Carry emergency supplies for my care when we hang out. I know you're my true friend when you keep earplugs in your cubby that are there JUST for me, or you have a stash of tranqs in the glovebox that you keep around for in case I have a panic attack in public or you keep sachet of electrolytes in your bag in case my POTS hits, or you know where I keep my epipen or insulin shot. It's the little things...<br />
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10. Remind me often that canceling plans or rescheduling is ok. I live in fear that letting you down will mean you dump me as a friend. It's hard when I am often not able to share in adventures with you, or visit because I'm ill. Reminding me that you'll love me even when my being ill robs us of time together will help me feel safer making plans with you to go out and do fun things.<br />
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If I think of more ideas I'll add them on later, but that's my best for now.<br />
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ROCK ON, MY ALLIES!<br />
<br />Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-63987987890846229722018-09-26T23:17:00.003+02:002018-09-26T23:17:37.811+02:00How do we best support our neurodivergent child?<u><b>The Amazing Adventure</b> </u><br /><br />It's natural for parents to feel at a loss for how to proceed once they become aware of the fact that they are raising a neurodivergent child. With the strong opinions the community holds about therapies that seek to conform neurodivergent children to be more neurotypical, parents often feel cornered and lost without a way forward. <br /><br /> This is a blessing not a curse. This is a moment for you to pause and embrace the truth: Nothing is ever in control. We don't know where this is going and that is OK. There isn't necessarily a way you should be going. <br /><br />The answer is as simple as it is profound and challenging: You control the way forward. You can make your own way, or follow a road well traveled. There isn't a right choice all made up for you yet. You get to DECIDE. <br /><br />Don't shrink back in fear! Revel in this adventure before you! All those opportunities and possibilities yet to unfold which you will have the privilege of sharing with your child as they grow. Embrace this adventure! <br /><br /><u><b>A life yet unlived. A story yet unwritten.</b> </u><br /><br />It's important to acknowledge that parenting a neurodivergent child can be extremely challenging and that children who are neurodivergent often need unique support and intervention for reasons that vary as wildly as the colour of wildflowers. <br /><br />Still, there is no set outcome we are sure of. There is no script that can tell you how your kid is going to develop going forward. You must discover this as you go along. That uncertainty is uncomfortable, but in its wide expanses lies a lot of freedom too. <br /><br />Let's focus on the vastness of possibility instead of the narrowness that we are encouraged to experience when a diagnostic label is chosen for a child by the medical fraternity. We can acknowledge that the label informs us about possible needs our child may have in the future without growing attached to any of those hypothetical future stories for their lives. <br /><br /><b><u>Showing up is half the job</u></b><br /><br />Understand that parenting was always going to be one of the the hardest things you will ever have to do. All parents experience despair or directionlessness at times. Don't get stuck in that. If you feel like you can't get out of it, you need to seek support for that struggle not just for your child but for yourself. Learning to meditate and ground ourselves so we can be mindful of what we are bringing into the world is a crucial part of being a more attuned parent. <br /><br />One of the great ironies of life is that very often the answers we seek are already inside of us - we sometimes just need a way of unearthing them. Spend time tending our inner world, your subconscious wisdom, and seek therapy if you feel you may have some troubles that are not yielding to your earnest efforts to overcome them. There is no shame whatsoever in seeking guidance - every culture has the tradition of seeking the wisdom of a shaman or Oracle. In this culture, we often call them therapists, yogis, gurus, priests or even our own parents. <br /><br />Asking for help is a sign of tremendous courage. Ignorance and complacency is a far easier path, so if you're out there beating the bushes for answers or opening yourself up to the advice of others you're already doing an amazing job just by showing up. Give yourself a cookie and a hug for passing good parenting 101: Showing up. <br /><br /><u><b>Give them a voice</b> </u><br /><br />Carl Jung wrote, "<i>Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their children than the unlived live of the parent</i>." Often our own priorities as parents are not actually what is in the best interest of our children. Being able to hold space for our own anxieties and fears, both for ourselves and for their future but then returning to be present with the experience of reality is key to preventing our own agendas from dominating the lives of our children. <br /><br />Furthermore, the relationship with our children needs to be divested of power struggles and violence even in it's subtlest forms such as manipulation and passive aggression, and it needs to be radically accepting of differences between you as individuals so that the vast freedom we are all born with is not constrained by the will of our parents for our lives or their ways of doing for themselves. <br /><br />The more intimate and yet accepting your bond, and the less of your own ego you bring to your parenting, the more you will discover you are making headway with them. You may discover that your perception of what their problems are may not always reflect their experience and the best guide to what path is best will come from your child themselves. <br /><br />Learning to hear their voices in a million ways is the most powerful thing you can do to raise them well. for many children, this may actually require some very active listening and some very active interventions such as augmentative communication strategies but in those cases, this becomes even MORE important as often the only person willing to hear them will be YOU. <br /><br /><u><b>Welcome to the revolution</b> </u><br /><br />Society projects an enormous number of expectations onto every living being. We are trained from our first to practice conformity. Especially for a generation of parents raised in institutions - schools, or universities, or churches or clubs - our agency was often denied from a young age. We were taught to passively accept a path that was proscribed for us. Walk in line. Sit here. Listen, do not speak. Obey your elders without argument. <br /><br />In a culture of conformity, being an outlier is a radical act. Being willing to refuse to be conformed is a form of defiance in a culture that values people falling into line and sticking with the program. Neurodiversity is an involuntary form of defiance in the face of pressures of conformity. <br /><br />We are not able to conform because we are not wired for it. We cannot fall into line without harming ourselves. We must be radical or die to self either literally or metaphorically. Our nonconformity isn't a choice, it is our nature and we cannot hide it without paying a devastating cost. <br /><br />That cost is one that we frequently pay with by forfeiting our mental and physical health. The average lifespan on an autistic person is less than 40 years old. The suicide rate is 28 times higher than the average. It is obvious that the way that we have been caring for autistic people up to now has been causing them to die young. Similar statistics exist in other forms of neurodiversity like ADHD also. Protecting a neurodivergent child from the force of conformity that society is placing on us is the most powerful gift a parent can give. <br /><br />To do so you must be willing to be a nonconformist yourself...and that can be terrifically hard and scary. But if our parents will not take on this challenge, who will? It is crucial to our survival that they find the courage. I believe that in the heart of every parent is a fire of love strong enough to fuel that courage if they let it, sometimes they just need a bit of help getting it going or directing that heat in the right way. We can never fail so long as we continue to try.<br /><br /><b><u>Give them somewhere to belong</u></b><br />As a child reared by radically nonconforming people who ended up being pretty messed up people themselves, I can say this: Even if you screw up terrifically as a parent, if you do so while trying to hold a space for me to thrive I will thank you for it anyway, from personal experience. <br /><br />My parents were a pair of hot messes....but the one thing they nailed was making sure I knew that being neurodivergent wasn't something I needed to fear or feel ashamed about, or some curse or divine blessing or a calling or a duty or anything holy or unholy. It was natural, right, good and just as the world ought to be (When the world is as it ought to be - diverse and comfortable with difference. I was helped to understand that this was a world I would be called to BUILD). <br /><br />My parents praised my gifts and achievements while reminding me I still poop like everyone else and that even if I need certain supports or accommodations to solve these problems, I could not avoid the necessities of life like eating, sleeping and keeping clean. To them, I was just like every other kid everywhere and that was AWESOME. I BELONGED to my parents. I wasn't a freak at home. Everywhere else, but never in my own home. Be that safe place for your kid. <br /><br /><b><u>Never forget that your child is a sentient being</u></b> <br /><br />Something radical you may need to consider is that some of the truth of what you need to do for your child lies ONLY WITHIN YOUR CHILD. Even while they are only able to wail and suckle, they are a sentient being. Even when they can only gurgle and eat things off the floor, they are a sentient being. Even when they are unable to speak or cannot regulate their emotions, they are a sentient being. Even when they are not engaging with you in the way you'd hope and expect, they are always a sentient being. Sentience takes MANY forms. <br /><br />Don't miss out on seeing the truth of that because society has conditioned us to respect certain sentient beings over others. Don't underestimate their intelligence, their capacity, and do your utmost not to undermine their agency. Give them a chance to show you what they can do before you do it for them. Give them choices as often as you can and let them bear the consequences so far as you can bear to do so without harming their young and trusting souls. Be there, ready to assist, but always assume the possibility exists that they will do it themselves one day given time, patience, tutelage and when needed accommodations or interventions that support the independence they are capable of. <br /><br />What specific tools you use to educate them, or healing you seek for them will be right for you at the time given what you observe and what you know and what you have to give. We do the best job we know how to do. Be sure you know as much as you can - not just in terms of outside education - but in terms of truly knowing the will of your child for their OWN lives. Parenting shouldn't be about a power struggle or parochial care or patronage. It should be a partnership.<br /><br /><b><u>Children are people too</u></b> <br /><br />Never desecrate that bond of partnership with cruelty, cowardice or needlessly controlling behaviour. Be able to apologize when inevitably do because you are human. Model that ability for them so they know how it looks and can learn by example to be kind and humble in turn. Having the courage to be vulnerable is a superpower. Be vulnerable, most of all, with your children. They want to see you. You are the center of their universe. The most powerful things my parents ever taught me were things they taught me in moments where I could see their inner selves and they were teaching me from their hearts. <br /><br />Lessons about who we were as a family. Lessons about how we were. Lovesongs they sang to me in my crib as an infant, over and over, became the mantras that soothed my deepest fears. Those lessons became my religion during times that I lost my religion. <i>Your words and actions are written on the tablet of your child's soul. Mind what you write there</i>. <br /><u><b><br />Show them how it's done </b></u><br /><br />Learn to be deeply, profoundly honest both with them and with yourself. Don't create a division between parents and children when none need exists. You are people. Be consistent in how you treat PEOPLE, don't have dual standards for kids and adults. Do unto children as you would have done unto yourself. Your kids are going to notice your bullshit and it will never fly. Don't play games with your kids, try to be real. Often neurodivergent kids have an uncanny ability to unmask our subterfuge as parents. Be able to deal when they do. <br /><br />If their behavior affects you, let them know. If you need space, say so. If you need something from them because you are scared or vulnerable, don't hide behind bluster or authority. Often a straight and honest explanation of the need for something, especially if it is personal for you, will be all they need to hear to comply. Give them all the information it is safe for them to have about why things are necessary to be done, and let them decide how to work with you to resolve the problems you face as a family and as individuals in that family. <br /><br />Parents can negotiate with their children just like with anyone else. The older they get the easier and more effective this strategy becomes. Keep on trying to implement it as soon as possible until it starts working. <br /><br /><b>Know yourself, and embrace your roots </b><br />Knowing where you come from is as important as knowing where you are going. In fact, the one cannot proceed without the other. Understanding yourself, and your family roots help you make better decisions about how to go forward. Children without roots cannot anchor themselves and stand tall. Learn about your past and your history. <br /><br />Share your culture and your identity with your child from a young age. Always remember that your child will be the maker of the new world you will spend your old age in. Teach them about the beautiful things you want to preserve in your world, and how to build beautiful worlds, and how to be beautiful people. You do so by teaching yourself first, and then showing them what you've learned by example. Learn first to be an ambassador for your own people, a leader, and do them proud, then teach your child about the sort of people they come from with pride. <br /><b><br />Trust yourself </b><br /><br />I have been taught that success is a combination of Chutzpah and Humility: Having the nerve to speak your truth, the humility to know you don't hold the whole truth in yourself. As a parent, you're going to need to find the Chutzpah to stand up to the whole wide world and draw a ring around your child's mental, emotional and physical safety. But you will also have to bring the humility to know that the only person who knows your child through and through is YOUR CHILD. <br /><br />Get them in on this whole endeavor of rearing them. they are the primary stakeholder in this project after all, and they deserve a voice about the goals and outcomes the project aims to achieve. Even if the only decision they can make right now is whether or not to let their carrots touch their mash, let them have those decisions as far as it is possible to do so. They need that practice to learn to trust themselves in making decisions in the future. <br /><br />Being given that freedom (and the opportunity to learn from our consequences) teaches us to be wiser and smarter. So give them that freedom as soon as you can. And never forget to give that freedom to yourself. Like. NOW. Start now to decide to make your OWN way going forward. The choice is YOURS. <strike><strike></strike></strike>Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-34292857934991446082018-09-24T18:12:00.003+02:002018-09-24T18:12:36.473+02:00Treating Sensory Sensitivities with cheap supplements/lifestyle changes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<u><b>Treating Sensory Sensitivities with cheap supplements/lifestyle changes</b></u><br />
Today someone asked me a question about this in my autism group, and I didn't know how to easily answer it. I have this wild jumble of things in my head but no simple reply. I decided to write up something proper as my reply!<br />
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The thing is, many kinds of SPD are actually a result of certain physiological issues <b>at a cellular level. </b><br />
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Treating these issues with off the shelf really fairly cheap supplements can offer rapid relief at a fraction of the cost of other treatments. The catch?<br />
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Because there are so many different possible kinds of issues that need to be looking for it can be hard to know where to begin. This is because the chemistry of these problems look a little something like THIS:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_FZDUkr4LjRnk0K1VK0oeV4XTDOvDaziFCm3ZAnR1Lj8UdWW3tuqAolUwZXU4rrT3R6LvDtBDqPN2r4DAX4-tuM6aEg3J9a-gCbY35sWT5Qo8wJ2rjTDrswv7FgpkVRnt8XUbRLE2ZMo/s1600/16c2d750-9467-4928-beab-f83324d6dc8b.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_FZDUkr4LjRnk0K1VK0oeV4XTDOvDaziFCm3ZAnR1Lj8UdWW3tuqAolUwZXU4rrT3R6LvDtBDqPN2r4DAX4-tuM6aEg3J9a-gCbY35sWT5Qo8wJ2rjTDrswv7FgpkVRnt8XUbRLE2ZMo/s320/16c2d750-9467-4928-beab-f83324d6dc8b.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
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First of all, one must grasp that sensory sensitivities are caused by misfirings or misprocessing within the brain or the nervous system. Many of these processes depend on ion pathways that operate across the cellular walls. Sometimes that pathway is dysfunctional in those with sensory sensitivity due to any number of factors, genetics, illness, and diet being notable factors.<br />
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When these problems occur due to a genetic proclivity towards such problems, they are known as <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Channelopathy" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">ion</a>-<b><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Channelopathy" target="_blank">channelopathies</a>. </b><br />
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The issues lead to intracellular or extracellular deficiencies of potassium, magnesium, calcium, sodium or other needed ionic substances (see illustration above). Of these <b>Potassium and magnesium deficiencies appear to be the most common in the autistic community. </b><br />
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Because of the codependence of Potassium on Magnesium, and Magnesium with Calcium and all of their entanglement with Sodium ( and a host of other substances too numerous to mention here) the others are often also not being absorbed or used as they should and may be out of balance. All kinds of drama ensues, so resolving this problem can often really support a lot of different health problems people didn't even originally connecto to sensory processing problems.<br />
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Many of autistic people's "weird" behaviours are actually ways of self-medicating these issues...but more on that later on in this piece.<br />
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<b><u>How do we treat this thing?</u></b><br />
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Treatment consists of multiple steps. The first <b>acute managment is through direct supplementation </b>with the substances you are deficient in.<br />
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Secondary management involves <b>dietary changes </b>to address the poor ion channels and any other health issues that are contributing to the problem. Often a good supplement to take is an <b>omega fatty acid supplement or adding coconut oil </b>to your diet as this improves the structural integrity of the ion channels themselves as they are made of fatty acids.<br />
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Lastly exacerbating factors need to be addressed to support the weak ion channels, as <b>direct supplementation is often of limited long-term efficac</b>y, and must give way to more individualised management later on. Examining your health and habits, in general, will be important. Lifestyle adjustments will need to be made that go beyond just diet or supplementation.<br />
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<b><u>What's going on in there?</u></b><br />
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I am bad at this bit, but my friend Tania explains it better than I can using the example of our friend Benjine who first discovered these connections and brought them to our attention. She has a video about this <a href="https://youtu.be/cw1dEj6A4ro?t=15m17s" target="_blank">HERE</a>.<br />
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The long and the short of it is that you have problems with your nervous system as a result of your voltage gated ion channels being broken and you need to streamline the efficiency of this system to improve it's function. This can be done through diet, and through reducing "drag on the system in the form of other health problems that make the issue worse.<br />
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<u><b>Managing other health issues that exacerbate symptoms: </b></u><br />
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Some conditions that are involved in aggravating these issues are inflammatory or immune-mediated disorders like Endometriosis, Mast Cell activation disorders, or rheumatoid arthritis. This is due to the relationship between inflammation and it's effect on the cell's signaling and function.<br />
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Addressing the source of the inflammation must always be part of management. For those who have comorbid chronic illnesses like Mast Cell Activation Syndrome or Endometriosis, a broader program of management will be needed to control the issue, which will include management of inflammatory markers through dietary adaptations or supplements as well as other lifestyle alterations and treatments targeted at treating the underlying conditions. For those not familiar this is stuff like anti inflammatories, anti histamines, or allergy avoidance diets etc.<br />
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But be mindful that direct treatment with anti inflammatories like COX 2 inhibitors can cause bigger issues further on down the road. For more detailed information visit fluxes.net for a long discussion of complications that can arise due to inflammation and the impact of superoxides on the health of cells.<br />
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In these situations the work of my friend Benjine Gerber at <a href="http://fluxes.net/">fluxes.net</a> comes into play - this website explores more deeply the relationship between inflammation and sensory issues. Since it is too much to cover here, I'll go into it another day, but keep in mind that making sure you have an ample supply of antioxidant-rich food in your diet is a good plan, and bumping up your <b>arginine</b> content might also be useful. Certain <b>anti-inflammatory foods</b> and foods with a <b>low histamine </b>content may also benefit many with these problems.<br />
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Here I'll pop in a note to those with gut problems that your gut issues may contribute to this, and on another day I'll do another post talking about salicylate and oxylate intolerances and how they tie into these issues....but that's another talk :)<br />
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<b>Meditation </b>is an important part of any management program for almost all health issues, and in this case, can make the difference between long-term success or failure, so don't keep meaning to take it up, start watching some videos by <span id="goog_591406310"></span><span id="goog_591406311"></span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/tarabrach" target="_blank">Tara Brach</a> (my personal guru) TODAY.<br />
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<b><u>How to know if you have an issue:</u></b><br />
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Those in the autism community frequently show a particular pattern of issues, and it's so common that <b>anyone experiencing sensory sensitivities aught to try this out.</b><br />
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We have a good shorthand first-line option for this that usually works for most (but not all) people. We normally start on a course of Trisalts or Multiforce alkaline powders for immediate relief within two or three days.<br />
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If you want to get testing beforehand, a blood test to assess your deficiencies in these substances may be useful, but be warned that intracellular potassium deficiencies cannot be detected by blood tests. As an example, I'll talk specifically about potassium/magnesium deficiencies.<br />
<b><u><br />Symptoms are: </u></b><br />
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1. Fatigue, difficulty with sleep<br />
2. Weakness, loss of muscle tone, spasticity, fasciculations<br />
3. May be involved with blood sugar dysregulations ie. hypoglycemia<br />
4. Muscle cramps, aching, stiffness and tenderness, touch sensitivity<br />
5. Tingling or burning in the hands and feet, numbness, need to move, restless leggs.<br />
6. Loss of coordination (if severe can lead to ataxia and paralysis)<br />
7. Digestive problems, gastroparesis, gut cramping, upset tummy or constipation<br />
8. Heart palpitations, feelings of anxiety<br />
9. Difficulty breathing, "forget" to breathe, "weight on chest", poor circulation<br />
10. Moodiness and emotional dysregulation<br />
11. Light or sound sensitivities.<br />
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<b><u>To recap: </u><br /><br />Step 1:Supplement with</b> <b>Tri-salts or Multiforce</b> for about two weeks to establish if this benefits you. Other options include taking potassium supplements directly, such as switching to "low salt" (usually a potassium-based salt substitute) or take magnesium supplements directly, or bathe in Epsom salts regularly and take potassium tablets. Some people respond poorly to certain types of magnesium formulas or Epsom salts so your mileage may vary.<br />
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<b>Step 2:</b> <b>Isolate the</b> <b>underlying cause</b> of exacerbating issues such as inflammation, or gut problems etc., and address them. Figure out if you have one of the common dietary sensitivities oxalate intolerance which can markedly aggravate sensory issues. Learn about dietary support for inflammation at fluxes.net.<br />
<b><br />Step 3:</b> <b>Supplement with fatty acids</b> to make cell walls supple. Coconut oil is good too, or flax seed, oily fish....you know the drill.<br />
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<b>Step 4: Lifestyle changes to reduce stress </b>such as reducing your commitments, getting supports or accommodations, changing careers etc. And <b>MEDITATE</b>. There's a joke Benjine makes about people who make you angry: "Don't let them steal your potassium!" Learning to be more relaxed, mindful and zen will reduce your sensory issues, I PROMISE :P<br />
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That's all! I hope this helps.<br />
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_Chris_<br />
<br />Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-11642521784333699962018-07-04T16:30:00.001+02:002018-07-30T21:31:55.043+02:00My rules for living as a neurodiversity advocateCW: Annoying ableism, and other issues like mental health etc. <br />
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I've been struggling with an issue in my advocacy and even in my position as a community leader for a while now and it boils down to two ideas that I want you to keep in the back of your mind while reading this:<br />
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<b>Accountability and self care. </b><br />
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In a community that embraces neurodiversity we're always poised to slap back at ableist and stigmatising comments and responses to common everyday issues in the lives of the people we work and live with. As advocates we want to deconstruct the shame and remove the social pressure to conform that was so damaging to us in our own experience.<br />
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We want to make it right for everyone living after us.<br />
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But often times I see us making an important mistake in how we address one very common problem that is frequently bringing outsiders to the neurodiversity movement to our door banging and shouting, or worse yet...concerned and earnestly insisting on intervening in the life of a neurodiversity advocate:<br />
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<b>How to behave in a adult, responsible, regulated and productive manner. </b><br />
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As a survivor of various kinds of abuse, mental and physical health problems, drug use and also as a neurodivergent person it was always easy to say to people "Just understand! We can't HELP it!" and get huffy.<br />
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The truth is, they have a point, we know it, and we hate needing to explain it over and over to those not yet in the know.<br />
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It is our very wounds and traumas around ableism that often blinds us to the fact that even if you say on the one hand "I have different strengths and weaknesses. Those weaknesses should not be shamed or ridiculed and I don't deserve to be pressured and victimised for them." there is truth in the statement that you're still a carbon based life form and certain skills are necessary for your survival as an organism. When parents ask us this question it isn't necessarily coming from a place of ableism. They may genuinely be fishing for information on how to support their autistic child in overcoming these issues without being an asshole.<br />
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Let's try to not be assholes ourselves and judge them for asking these real relevant questions in a hamfisted way. It doesn't help the young people we are fighting for one jot if their parents get run off every time they ask a stupid question in a stupid way and we all lose our nut at them. Try to hold a little bit of space on this k? THANKS!!<br />
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Now for the allistic allies who are all still confused and keep asking me OVER AND OVER how it is I propose their child to live in this world without something to modify their autistic behaviour..... PLEASE hear me well:<br />
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<b>Neurodiversity culture is not a request for a licence to enable a victim complex or an excuse for letting severely disabled autistic people simply rot in a ditch</b><br />
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So..... unless your philosphy of life can defy the second law of thermodynamics, there are certain things a body has got to do to live, whether it's a disabled or neurodivergent, or not. Neurodiversity advocates are not dumb. We know this.<br />
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Yet this is where many parents critique us most harshly in the neurodiversity movement. Our often unclear response to this issue gives them licence to wander off into the abusive arms of techniques like ABA that promise "independent living" and "life skills" or "behavioural control" at the bargain basement price of our dignity, sanity and health.<br />
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I'm here to set the record straight. Neurodiversity does not mean we just let the chips fall where they lie and consequences be damned. <b>It just means that we do things in a way that is not standard, and may require some adjustments to our lifestyles, and a lot of patience while you receive an education in how this different worldview works. </b><br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxrmOHJQRSs" target="_blank">This piece</a> on Sartre's concept of "bad faith" highlights a common psychological response to things we don't like admitting to ourselves.<br />
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Now with that in mind, dear neurotypical allies, please understand that we are not, by demanding equality or accommodation, operating from a position of "bad faith". <br />
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It is not about enabling a victim mode or finding an excuse not to have to meet the necessary demands of our existence. Implying that we are is going to get you a sharp kick in the metaphorical teeth every time you bring this up so....<b> PLEASE STOP DOING <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9zD_RK6-sw" target="_blank">THIS</a></b>.<br />
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For a long time I was pretty stuck on this issue of explaining how neurodiversity advocates do independance and become responsible adulting people that live fulfilling and happy lives. <br />
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Then I decided to pen this post teaching the rules I have made for myself about how to be a successful neurodiverse adult. Allies, please pay attention.<br />
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<b>Rule number 1: You are allowed to have "unreasonable" boundaries.</b><br />
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Now first off, I need to validate my invalidated ones. "I can not do that" Is a perfectly valid response for a disabled or neurodivergent person to have when confronted with something a neurotypical or ablebodied person is demanding you should be able to do. This is because being different means there are literally things that neurotypical or ablebodied people CAN do that you, as a neurodivergent or disabled person CANNOT (or SHOULD NOT) do. <br />
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And that's ok. <br />
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Remember that story about a fish being told it's should climb a tree? Well you can tell anyone telling you, the fish, to climb that tree to sod off, and you do not need to feel guilty about it. <br />
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Know when to tell people to just take a long walk off a short plank, and do not punish yourself or let others shame you for doing this.<br />
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If you spend your life climbing trees for people, you'll never get to swimming and actually <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--mY5ruEhqI&t=658s" target="_blank">having a fun life</a>. <br />
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And <a href="https://youtu.be/LyBIT0Q7fOc" target="_blank">here</a>, for reference, is a neurotypical person enacting REASONABLE boundaries, just so you can get a feeling for where that line lies.<br />
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<b>Say no to what you cannot tolerate, so you can say yes to what you love and value.</b><br />
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<b>Rule number 2: Choose your battles.</b><br />
I know we just want to tell everyone to sod off with their demands and expectations and lose our nut at them when they are making ableist demands. Unfortunately frequently we only end up beaten, bloody, exhausted, hungry, tired and alone. That's shitty. Ableism hurts people. <br />
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Sometimes battling it hurts double, and the gains are slow. But invest in your good allies. They are truly worth the effort.<br />
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Deciding when it's worth it and when it's not determines if we survive the fight or succumb to the wounds of battle - and our good <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTfpL25463o" target="_blank">allies</a> are the ones who will carry us off the field when we fall so do the work of having them guys, it's worth it.<br />
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Neurotypical and ablebodied people don't KNOW you can't climb the tree. <b>Sometimes you are going to have to bloody climb the damn thing just to tell them that "Uh... hey... I am a fish, did you know, I'd prefer if we sometimes did some things in the pond you know?" </b><br />
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As someone who frequently abseils ableist trees to educate neurotypicals and ableist people it is strangely rewarding to watch their faces light up with mixtures of horror and awe when they realise a fish just climbed a tree to tell them to please stop telling fishes to climb trees. It is what I live for. I am probably a masochist, because advocacy is definitely a form of self torture....but sometimes it does get triggering, which is why we come to the next rule.<br />
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<b>Rule 3: Tolerate injustice and inequality (at minimum).</b><br />
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You gotta learn to take it on the nose sometimes, but know when you are too tired and weary to take any more. At that point, set a boundary.<br />
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But <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CLTBV0SV2Y" target="_blank">test your boundaries sometimes</a>. Expand them as you grow in strength or heal yourself. If you go down with every punch, you're done for. You are going to need to educate ableist people and negotiate some sort of way to live in this crappy ableist world. You need to hold an internal structure in mind with a clear vision for the future you're building because without that you're not goint to be motivated to to this work.<br />
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This is tiring, messy work. Unfortunately it's needed work because unless you have a blue Genie about to fix our messed up ableist world you, and your children, and your children's children will still be doing this work till your dying days. But choosing your allies carefully is just wisdom, so don't feel the need to burn up spoons on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bm355j6HdKM" target="_blank">performative allies</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_UlPHHrZ2I" target="_blank">sealions</a>.<br />
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<b>Rule 4: Pragmatic advocacy is the only sane choice on a tight spoon budget</b><br />
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Advocacy logic is frequently NOT <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5Gr5B3Ci9U" target="_blank">pragmatic</a>. It is idealistic and philosophical. I does not make tea, or bake a loaf of bread. It sits upon a rock and pontificates or analyses.<br />
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However you are not a statue of the thinker. You have to eat and live in a three dimensional world with real constraints and unfairness and injustices.<br />
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Sometimes just rolling with the ableism is the only way to actually live long enough to make change possible. But if you're on a spoon deficit you cannot afford the luxury of just living it large. <br />
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So do work on becoming more resilient to the stress of being exposed to ableism during advocacy work, but definitely learn how to just let it go when that's expedient. Don't judge yourself (or other advocates) for not taking something on. See RULE ONE.<br />
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<b>Get over it. Get on with it.</b> <br />
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<b>Rule 5: Be real</b><br />
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Most people you meet won't get you. That's ok. But if you're real, and you stay real even under pressure, you will find a few people who will follow you to the ends of the earth. There is nothing more powerful that watching someone who you know is in deep struggle and imperfection ace a landing they worked on for weeks. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o&t=4s" target="_blank">Don't feel the need to be perfect</a>, let people see your struggle. It's part of what makes your achievements admirable and will grow their respect for you and give them room to share their own vulnerabilities with you which helps people feel connected and less lonely.<br />
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<b>Authenticity builds connection and strengthens communities.</b><br />
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<b>Rule 6: You are always responsible for your reactions, even when you're ill</b><br />
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This one is a riff off of drug rehabilitation culture. The long and the short of it is that although allowance should be made for your challenges, at the end of the day the responsibility of becoming a person who is living harmoniously within your environment <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8" target="_blank">REMAINS WITH YOU</a>. Whatever crappy hand fate dealt you does not alter this. <br />
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Nobody owes you space in which to be abusive towards them. You are still responsible for doing whatever you can do for yourself, by yourself. Getting up and going out to get every last drop of the help available that you need to be a healthy individual is ALWAYS something you can do for yourself. What help is available to you may vary from person to person, and how much you can do for yourself may be limited by illness or circumstance, but there is always SOMETHING you can do for yourself. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRYxQwl1wHA" target="_blank">SO DO IT</a>.<br />
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Most of the time the reason you are out of control is because you still have work to do on setting your boundaries and keeping yourself within safe functional limits, and no third party can really make that happen for you. See a therapist or speak to a healer or simply sit on a rock and think VERY HARD about your life. But bottom line is THIS ONE IS ON YOU.<br />
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<b>We do not hold space for abuse and enabling of self harm.</b><br />
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<b>Rule 7: Being part of my cockpit crew is a PRIVILEGE. </b><br />
Choose to place your energy only in the people who form a family who loves and accepts you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. Be accountable <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-JXOnFOXQk" target="_blank">TO THEM ONLY.</a><br />
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This will not necessarily include your actual blood relations. That's ok. Many of us have to lose our relations to gain our families.<br />
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Remember that you ALWAYS deserve a place where you are not scared that people will dump you if you totally wipe out. These are the people you need to justify yourself to because they have the commitment to see you both at your best and your worst without wigging out, and they are more likely to have the good judgment to know when to smack you on the nose with a paper, and when to give you a hug and tell you you did a good job.<br />
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<b>You are not accountable to society at large, but you are accountable to your chosen community.</b><br />
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<b>Rule 8: Breathe, validate yourself and pull yourself towards yourself</b><br />
Some days you will be your only ally. You will be all you've got. Believe in your capacity to pull this off. Be brave. Put yourself out there. And remember to give yourself the pats on the back, hugs and comfort you need even <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYCPsPBMo8U" target="_blank">when nobody else will.</a><br />
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<b>Rule 9: You have rules that are unique to you</b><br />
Learning what works for your unique brain is the essence of neurodiversity advocacy and acceptance. We are making room to allow you to do that. You deserve it. You deserve that freedom to have rules that are just for you, that let you live a good life. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8hHGIJKf3o" target="_blank">Don't try to fit into the ruleset of another person.</a><br />
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<b>Rule 10: Adress your physical health issues as a matter of priority,and don't allow yourself to overwork </b><br />
Autistic people tend to get diagnosed because they physically and mentally fall apart. Understanding why that happens (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw1dEj6A4ro" target="_blank">1</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YL_-MHNOsuc" target="_blank">2 </a>and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR0vHXdczmM" target="_blank">3</a><span id="goog_1600799464"></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/"></a><span id="goog_1600799465"></span> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_tJg-lceq4" target="_blank">4</a>) is crucial to preventing this from continuing to be an issue.<br />
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One of the major reasons we melt down is because we are being forced to tolerate pain and illness that neurotypical people would not tolerate, but because we cannot express ourselves or advocate for ourselves we get bullied into just pushing through our stress, exhaustion or pain. This turns into a bad habit of not resting or recovering when we need to - which leads to meltdown.<br />
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Being victimised by ableist people all your life to believe that you are lazy, you complain too much, that you're inadequate in some way will cause you to become overcompensatory. You'll work three times as hard on something, maybe only get half as much done and then still feel bad about it if you're working with an exhausted vessel.<br />
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Learn to stop BEFORE you're tired. Walk away BEFORE you get irritated or annoyed or upset. Say no even when you think you might have the<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory" target="_blank"> spoons </a>after all. Save up those spoons in a bank for something big you care about, don't live from pay check to pay check (metaphorically speaking), just making it barely through each day and collapsing into bed.<br />
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Neurotypical, ablebodied people don't live this way. If they had to live the way most autistic people do they would commit suicide or end up in a psychiatric ward....just like we do.<br />
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So let yourself off the hook. Go to bed. Stop. Don't do more. It's ok. Get some rest. You don't have the same brain as other people who are pushing through and carrying on. Don't try to run yourself like a pickup truck when you're a Ferrari.<br />
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<b>Don't hold yourself to that external standard of performance or worth.</b><br />
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Those are my rules!!<br />
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I hope some parents or spouses see this and really take the ideas to heart. You job is to help your neurodivergent friends, family or children to adapt these ideas for themselves because I think it would make an enormous difference to their well-being. <br />
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It will also affect the relationships with their children or partners. Helping neurodiverse people learn to protect ourselves against an ableist society, and supporting us in the process of instituting healthy boundaries and best practices for managing or shielding against the stresses of being neurodiverse or disabled in an uncompassionate world can help us be more engaged, positive, relaxed, happy and calm which will rapidly deescalate any hostilities we are showing, and help us prevent meltdowns or other behavioural issues.<br />
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<b>PS for allies reading this: </b><br />
<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ableism">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ableism</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtALM4fOy0E">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtALM4fOy0E</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d69tTXOvRq4">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d69tTXOvRq4</a>Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-22751668747580189192018-04-14T11:22:00.001+02:002018-04-14T12:01:54.183+02:00We are all different and that's ok, or Why you should disclose your child's diagnosis to them young<div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="8rb88" data-offset-key="eocm3-0-0" style="background-color: white;">
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<span data-offset-key="eocm3-0-0"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">CW: Bullying and victimisation stuff. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">On the topic of whether to reveal a diagnosis of autism or ADHD to a child young: </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="farmg-0-0" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am personally against hiding any confirmed diagnosis with the potential to affect a child's quality of life, especially if it causes cognitive impairments....and the reason will probably strike you as obvious once I'm done explaining. </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="vc5j-0-0" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When you have cognitive impairments, such as with executive function, you know. You know the way that people who are sober now will know they are drunk later. They won't know WHAT they know, but you know because you live in your brain and it is always part of your awareness. </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="9qs75-0-0" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If no explanation is given you think what you are experiencing IS EXPERIENCED BY EVERYONE. You may misunderstand fundamental concepts explained to you about how consciousness, concentration, awareness, attention, focus, discipline, effort and intentionality works if you aren't told that your experience is not the most commonly described experience. </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="9qs75-0-0" style="color: #1d2129; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You also begin to think that you are doing it wrong. That your character is flawed. That you are stupider than you actually are, or that you're missing something even when you aren't. It leads to a certain special sort of pervasive gaslighting, invalidation and minimisation that is extremely destructive to our sense of self.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This causes you to fail to have safe boundaries in place to protect your energy and your health - when you think your best effort is normal and it's actually you burning yourself up like a sun just to do what J</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">oe Soap can do half asleep you are setting yourself up for a lot of stress related health disorders and mental health issues later in life. This is DANGEROUS.</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="blqdi-0-0" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Let's illustrate using an example: Curly hair. </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="1m4sl-0-0" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If I wasn't told as a child that my curly hair was natural for me, that my granny had curly hair, that my curly hair is normal for me and isn't at all needed to be straightened of flattened or controlled but is instead beautiful and rich and lovely, I might have been very self conscious about how ...curly ... it is. </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="dutt6-0-0" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I mean I'd watch others combing their hair and begin to feel like I must be doing my hair wrong or something because I can't make it stay that flat and I'm doing EXACTLY the same thing that Susie Q does with her hair at the sleepover but I still look like a golliwog and she's all sleek. I might have thought I was BAD at doing my hair, or that my hair was UNTIDY. I might have started to feel guilty and insecure instead of angry and offended when someone told me my hair was messy. </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="ev5d-0-0" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Or another example: Freckles</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="e2gi-0-0" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A doctor (a resident from central africa who was practicing in our hospitals here and had only READ about freckles in textbooks) once asked me whether my sister's freckles were a hyperpigmentation disorder. If we'd never been raised to understand that ginger people just have freckles (because we do, duh!) we might have had a doctor go on a wild goose chase trying to pin down what the strange illness was that was causing our pigmentation errors....and we'd have walked around telling everyone we had a hyperpigmentation disorder which depending on the context could have caused people to treat us either as diseased pariahs, or possibly mentally ill persons who are delusional and hypochondriac for supposing that freckles are a disease..... And this would develop based on what we were told to expect (which shapes the way we perceive ourselves and our traits). </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="7d4vk-0-0" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">BUT Hiding a diagnosis from a child isn't empowering the way some people think. It doesn't help us NOT to be told we are different. That is like conspiciously not mentioning the fact that my hair is EXTREMELY red. I mean I can see myself in a mirror....why aren't we talking about this? Is it something bad? .......</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="7d4vk-0-0" style="color: #1d2129; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You know I'm right guys. This is how we all work. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="3agbp-0-0" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At best, It is trying to straighten their curly hair, or letting them silently wonder why their hair doesn't comb out right. It's letting them walk around thinking they have a hyperpigmentation disorder or that the fact they are the only red haired child in the family must mean they were adopted..... </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">At worst it is teaching them to associate feeling sick, dysfunctional, exhausted, overwhelmed, scared, sad, misunderstood and confused - with BEING NORMAL. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You REALLY don't want that. Being weird? I EMBRACE that shit. In the words of Brene Brown, what makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My weird IS MY AWESOME. And that is a lesson my parents DID teach me, alongside the truth of why my mind doesn't work the way other people's minds do. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was made very aware of the sad fact that because the world doesn't give a rat fuck about us on the institutional level, we may need medication to survive our childhoods and that's NOT OUR FAULT. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">That's like our curly hair. Or our freckles. We're RARE. But we aren't a MISTAKE. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Understanding the sad but real fact that statictically neurodiverse people are a minority, that we require different things to be happy and those things are not commonly available and we may get looked at funny for needing them (BUT THAT IS NOT OUR FAULT) helped me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I still developed a self esteem problem, but that was mainly because my school mates and fucked up teachers used to part the way in the halls to let me through like I was Moses at the red sea, and they hectored me calling me "Stinky" and told me "You must have held up a sieve when your mom threw you with shit" and "You look like stuck your head in period blood" and "You're the laziest child I've ever known". It wasn't because I was told I was different. It was because I was treated differently, and when I didn't know why I thought it was MY FAULT. </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="fl39a-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Let's face it having things like that said to you still hurts even when you know they are wrong. But at least you cant TALK to people about it in some way that makes sense because there is a vocabulary for you to describe your experience. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Give them a reason. Make sense of the cruelty of others. Tell them the truth. But remind them that DIFFERENT is not UGLY or BAD or WRONG. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's just the reason there are more than one kind of flower, or all sorts of different birds or trees. It's why we have shoes that aren't one size fits all, and haircolours that arent all one colour, and why we have tall people and short people and why we have different kinds of music or why not everyone likes the same things you do or eats drinks their tea the same way.... because difference is EVERYWHERE when you look for it. </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="e68op-0-0" style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We just tend to forget that the rarerst and most special things in the world sometimes only bloom in the tops of the highest trees in the amazon, or grow in the depths of an ocean vent so hot that no other thing lives there. We are extremophiles. We need special environments, we need our hothouses....but it's because this culture is broken. Western civilisation doesn''t CARE if you need a specific diet like the orchid food for amazonian orchids. It doesn't CARE if you can only grow in places that have a temperature gradient that never varies under your hottest oven setting, or that you turn to jelly when you are brought up from the ocean depths because you cannot live at normal pressure.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's NOT OUR FAULT. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">AND THE WORLD NEEDS US.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Autistic people have a purposeful life too. They have a reason to exist in the ecosystem of earth. We are NOT an evolutionary fuckup. The ecosystem doesn't keep trash on the payroll guys. There's far too many of us for our geneset to be all bad things and no good. </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="fvlep-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Understanding that we might be like those extermophiles. that we need special environments and special diets and special accommodations to live helps me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Understanding that extremophiles fulfill niche roles in the ecosystem helps me. They go where no other creature dares to go and grows in untenable conditions so that we may have from the crook of a tree canopy one of the most beautiful yet delicate flowers in the world, the Orchid. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So what if you are a hot house flower? The world should be privileged they didn't have to climb a tree in the amazon to see you! </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="fvlep-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; text-align: center;">We really just need to stop feeling so bad about being different, needing support, being sensitive....</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="fvlep-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Because you are beautiful. Like. All of us are friggin wandering miracles of nature that are fully formed breathing art. We have universes inside of us, and we carry libraries behind our eyes and recording studios behind our ears and we have a band in our mouth and we are extraordinary biomechanical machines that are puppets which dance for themselves by themselves. </span></span></div>
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That's just NOT OUR FAULT.
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<span data-offset-key="fvlep-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It is our ARTISTRY. </span></span></div>
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Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-20397560649450212232018-01-07T16:24:00.002+02:002018-01-12T20:13:39.636+02:00There's Just Us. <br />
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(Content Warning:Suicide, Rape, Violence)
I want to open by inviting all the feminist naysayers.
I solemnly swear to make no digs in your direction. I am not here to punch you in the face with another angry rant. I want you to really listen to me just for about ten or fifteen minutes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I want the hard line feminists, the ones who are doing the punching, to sit down a minute here too. Please guys. Let's just get a mug of tea and a biscuit and find someplace quiet and talk.
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Next I want everyone to believe for a moment that everyone else here is a person with a soft heart and a capacity to love and do good. Let's give peace a chance.
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The talk I'm trying to have is about why men are shouting out "<span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">What About Men!" </span>and <span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">"Not all men!"
</span>whenever women start a conversation about female oppression. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I think a lot of us are out there just waiting for someone to hit the nail on the head. I hope maybe something I write here today will do that for some of you, because I'm really worried that we aren't making any headway settling these issues. We keep getting stuck in skirmishes around how words are used, or who's the most disadvantaged, or whether all men are misogynistic but in the end when it comes to moving forward we're simply stalled.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>This is where I want to tell my story.
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My partner, who is a trans woman, has been a window into a world for me for more than half a decade now. She is a deeply observant, kind and nonjudgmental person who sees so much more than I ever could. Her wisdom helps shape who I am.
Through the lens of her experience as being raised natally male and then living as a woman she has always struck me as being perfectly placed to speak to the reasons why the sexes seem so perpetually unable to gain ground in ending the battle between them - she's seen both sides of the fence and been burned by them both.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Through her I have come to find myself seated in a place outside of the mainstream narratives on feminism, misogyny, misandry, gender and so many other things.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When she and I started having a discussion about misogyny and why men often have the urge to butt in with "but what about men!" in discussions on female struggle, she said something that gave me pause.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Men are crying out for permission to speak as much as women are."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I want you to sit with this idea, and really hold it in mind.
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnx_Teek4WfaN0Gmmd8mBo9OcAMDjcvLvT1Cuwyt86k3K5zNRNbEBh1oExUWCyiy2BLb4Q06-ZGWcP07WuXey1FOqeMfPwOnOV2djmJ5u5PoV4LfWhjzMOmggiRNtbZzAe9KnnG3bFaq4/s1600/thescream.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1061" data-original-width="804" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnx_Teek4WfaN0Gmmd8mBo9OcAMDjcvLvT1Cuwyt86k3K5zNRNbEBh1oExUWCyiy2BLb4Q06-ZGWcP07WuXey1FOqeMfPwOnOV2djmJ5u5PoV4LfWhjzMOmggiRNtbZzAe9KnnG3bFaq4/s400/thescream.jpg" width="300" /></a><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To many feminists this seems somewhat unbelievable on the surface. Surely, if men rule the world, they are free to speak as much as they like? But in the experience of my partner and from her observations, this is not the case. I'll get to that a bit later on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">It's true that women go through an enormous amount of abuse and struggle. There's no reason to argue that everything that is said about how bad that is, isn't exactly that bad. In fact, I'd urge my readers to pause here for a moment and embrace deeply how utterly and totally at a mark most women of the world actually are, and how little most of them can do about it. We’ve all seen the statistics for rape and assault of women by now. The latest scandals around sexual assault by men in power is really just bringing home to us how pervasive this really is, and it's terrifying.</span>
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This is why feminists are so passionate. We are horrified by the suffering and we want it all to end. Feminists build shelters and start feeding schemes and volunteer in orphanages. We look after our own. And that's really important.</span>
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Obviously we need a movement devoted to protecting these vulnerable people and to uplifting the women of the world. That’s not really controversial.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But someplace along the lines we didn't really highlight fully the fact that this abuse extends to men, and that Feminism is for the protection and advancement of men too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You heard me right. Feminism protects men. </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I believe sexism causes men to pressure other men not to speak, and men stop themselves from speaking to protect women due to their perception of what their roles are in relationships. Those perceptions originate out of the patriarchy, and it is the patriarchy that feminism is trying to destroy <b>NOT MEN</b>.
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> <b>Feminism is not a women's movement.</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLKqvLUamctF-Ilxz8KL0u7xQOFOn_jLdMpdMwQNY9q5RP9bWP-xiRobnCT8pR0b7QQaKZe5k0ncBJizHYq7GTs5jwG71EIC33MmzvH4XNPZHzhvttZuk_EpbU6mbR0YLJB7Zwcmu43Eo/s1600/ec881fc3f3f45668a0f7d2b39dcc1830--celebrity-quotes-beautiful-drawings.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="975" data-original-width="736" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLKqvLUamctF-Ilxz8KL0u7xQOFOn_jLdMpdMwQNY9q5RP9bWP-xiRobnCT8pR0b7QQaKZe5k0ncBJizHYq7GTs5jwG71EIC33MmzvH4XNPZHzhvttZuk_EpbU6mbR0YLJB7Zwcmu43Eo/s320/ec881fc3f3f45668a0f7d2b39dcc1830--celebrity-quotes-beautiful-drawings.jpg" width="240" /></a><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Not at all.</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c2022; font-family: Helvetica, Roboto, "Segoe UI", Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Feminism is about </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>equality for both sexes</i></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. It is a belief system centred on ending </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><b>all </b></i></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">gender inequality</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.
I know, having "fem" in the name is unfortunate because it seems to imply it's girls only, but it's just a word and we don't have to get stuck on that. We don't need to go around saying "I'm not a feminists, I'm egalitarian".
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Egalitarianism is a synonym for feminism.</i>
Sometimes people </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">mislabel </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><b>misandry</b></i> as feminism</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Sometimes people mislabel feminism as misandry.
I think we all need to take a step back in each argument on this and remind ourselves that any idiot with a keyboard can call themselves a feminist.
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That doesn't mean that they ARE one.
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Next time before we all start squaring off how about some flaming topic, why don't </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">we check what they are saying against the definition and just establish whether they are in fact part of the group they claim to be, or just a troll trying to chum up the waters by going in under false colours. You know there's been a lot of that lately. All that <i><b>#fakenews...
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Most guys pretty much agree with this idea that both genders should get the same pay, work the same jobs and get the same votes. Right guys?
There's really not a lot of you out there advocating that girls should stay in the kitchen whether they like it or not. And I think right now most of you are quietly freaking out about just how prevalent rape is. You feel really frigging angry and you want to start some kind of movement to make it end.
You know. Something like feminism.
<b><i>So what are we all arguing about? </i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's usually when women start to cry out that men have the greener side of the fence that I think we begin to hit serious resistance. </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I argue that belief is based on decisions made while not in possession of all the facts.
Feminists are justified in tallying rapes and assaults and murders that women are subjected to and venting their valid and proportionate rage. There is nothing to be said against that.
<span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">But the most important thing my transgender partner taught me is that the grass is not greener on either side of the gender fence.
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Some cultures are worse than others.</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My partner's side of the family are the South African equivalent of the Deep South fundamentalists. They have a passion for God, Guns and Gas-guzzler vehicles. This group gets a lot of heat in feminist circles for their patriarchal valuesystem, and they are generally not friendly with LGBT folk either - or at least that’s the stereotype. (Unfortunately in her case it’s not just a stereotype).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Something she knew straight away growing up is that boys don't cry, and if you're depressed or suicidal you "have no business telling anyone, especially the womenfolk". "Womenfolk" talk about these things. Men are supposed to "suck it up" and "stand your ground" and just "double down through the pain". </span></div>
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I grew up in a similar culture, and I'm noticing something that worries me. We seem to have missed the bit where men are killing men at alarming rates too</span><span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></span> <span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Suicide is an act of shame and desperation. It is born out of a deep seated feeling of loss of the hope of any future that is worth living for.
<b>I think that the violence and death and rape we see women subjected to is literally the flipside of a coin - the other side of which is male suicide.</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the west</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> men are committing suicide</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> <b>THREE TO FOUR TIMES</b> as often as women<b>.</b></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_differences_in_suicide">Gender differences in suicide, Wikipedia</a>)<b>
</b>The grass really provably isn't greener on the other side. </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">It just looks that way because men don’t cry, and <i>suicide victims can't participate in #metoo campaigns if they are dead.</i>
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Feminists tend to gloss over a lot of how we feel about things relating to the gender oppression of men when we're writing in public or speaking in public. Doing so is often Troll bait for the kind of bottomfeeders that make the internet an unpleasant place to moderate.</span></div>
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But by being frank about our concern for our men, we may bridge a gap in our mutual understanding.<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"> <i>Feminism isn't about silencing them, it's about making it safe to speak for everyone.</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We tend to talk about our concerns to other women, particularly in conversations about how better to raise our sons or care for our brothers and fathers. We typically don't talk to men because a lot of the time this conversation makes them really uncomfortable, or angry. </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We worry about you guys a lot because the patriarchy is destroying you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We worry about our boys when they get bullied at school for being effeminate. We worry when our husbands get laid off at work and then spend the next six months watching sports videos on youtube but never once talk about it with us. We worry about that article about the husband who was involved in an officer related shooting and three months later shot his wife, kids and himself in a family suicide. We worry that our sons won't learn how to treat women with respect because of the way the outside world influences them and then they'll have unhappy marriages like those of our brothers and fathers. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mostly, we worry about your lifelong mental health.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This too is feminism.</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A lot of the time one of the big reasons you can't talk about how you feel is because how you feel would leave you vulnerable to further abuse. </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because it's not in your head. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The kind of people who would rape or assault or murder someone frequently do so because they feel contempt for weakness, which due to the patriarchy they associate with being female or effeminate. And we're ALL terrified of them. They shape the world we live in. They make us fear every public space and guard our homes. They guard the patriarchal beliefs of our world with literal fists and guns and putdowns and hush campaigns and out of court settlements...and they use their power to make us all dance to their pipes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They silence us through fear</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh97LR8iSDxDE1tqCUqpzOAOH05a7QZxlrSyQQ6nDPwxObB1w9BRL4LsWfwKkPvsQ57tULNiP5HFt4D_zX24czGR2WW0jyS_jlxYzswWo2b1nXzcs0__BnsWQpBbVZR70Dp65IpGAfCDGM/s1600/34590fb6432214e5ca1e8c43e2aa0f21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="700" data-original-width="467" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh97LR8iSDxDE1tqCUqpzOAOH05a7QZxlrSyQQ6nDPwxObB1w9BRL4LsWfwKkPvsQ57tULNiP5HFt4D_zX24czGR2WW0jyS_jlxYzswWo2b1nXzcs0__BnsWQpBbVZR70Dp65IpGAfCDGM/s400/34590fb6432214e5ca1e8c43e2aa0f21.jpg" width="265" /></a><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here's how I see a lot of guys who don't understand the patriarchy and how it impacts on them end up living and thinking: </span></div>
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<span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">You </span><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">don't</span><span style="font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"> tell anyone how terrified you are. You don't want the women in your life to know. They're so frequently looking to you for support and protection. When they start pressuring you to be more open minded and be more feminist, it scares the living crap out of you because your next thought is to </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><u>those</u></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> people - those people who would hurt the both of you if you dared </span><i><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">be like a girl</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You'd rather break your fist on a wall than cry in front of the woman you love. It's ok for your girl to cry, because someplace in your head there's a little rulebook that says it's ok for girls to cry or show their fear. </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Because they are females</i></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>. </i>
Nobody hits a crying girl unless they are really bad people, right? But boys...well that's another story. Everyone knows you'll get your ass kicked if you cry on the schoolground - </span><i><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">unless</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">you're a girl</span></i><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>.</i><b> </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Girls get raised to expect this stoicism from you because their fathers were the same way. You fear they might disrespect you if you don't get this right</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. You feel that they expect that you'll just hold them like an archangel wrapping their wings around them whenever they weep - even if seeing them weep makes your chest constrict and burn and you need to bite the inside of your mouth not to start crying too.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You feel terrified of other men sometimes. A lot of them are really violent and aggressive. You worry about how you look to these nasty guys. They may bully you in school. They may harass you in the lunchroom. They may trashtalk you in the office. You're just as bloody scared of those guys that call women whores as women are - because some of them will beat you to a bloody pulp if they ever found you crying in the men's room. Sometimes you envy women the freedom to just cry like that without being in regular danger of assault. </span><i><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">y</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ou're a guy, not a girl.
</span></i><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you lose your job, or you're getting a demotion, or your mom is dying, or you just need to cry for whatever goddamn reason, there are a lot of places that are not safe for you to do so. The ones that are generally require you to be totally alone while you do. </span><i><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because you’re not a girl</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.
</span></i><i><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You worry about seeming in control and strong. If you're strong, you can protect your home and your family. That matters to you. You're the watcher at the wall. When those scary bad guys come you need to be ready to do that dominance display - those bad guys respect that kind of thing. If you don't look strong to them they might just decide to take whatever they like. You need to look like you can take them on. </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Y</i><i>ou can't be a girl.
</i><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">
But you believe as a man that t</span><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">hat's your job to do, stoic and all alone. <i>B</i></span><i style="font-size: 14.6667px;">ecause of sexism</i><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">.
</span></span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ82TTDyQvZqy2n_yfrAS4CXRYp9D1QwmjbkMeSzsG44_gFzG-drYOO_cw6-ntnEpWQ5XOFRJWRPNFZfKja3ML_r6mzC1Uu_B2BnMQDSSOoZiyahV1RTZtu04ulc21EPZ4hEEZbVLkxN4/s1600/suicide-quote-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="375" data-original-width="500" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ82TTDyQvZqy2n_yfrAS4CXRYp9D1QwmjbkMeSzsG44_gFzG-drYOO_cw6-ntnEpWQ5XOFRJWRPNFZfKja3ML_r6mzC1Uu_B2BnMQDSSOoZiyahV1RTZtu04ulc21EPZ4hEEZbVLkxN4/s400/suicide-quote-1.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I think it's killing you.
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For some people, being unable to express their emotions builds up dangerously. It becomes like a volcano full of hot lava that's just waiting to blow. It has nowhere to go, so it just gains pressure. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And you can start to feel angry. You begin to feel resentful. That little niggle of envy you feel when women cry starts to work around inside of you like a grain of sand in an oyster, hardening into a pearl of buckshot ready to explode. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You feel stretched thin. There's nowhere for you to go. So when a girl comes to you for something you are grumpy and irritable and rude. You might say something nasty or sarcastic. You might find yourself saying some pretty bad things over beers with the boys or in the gym showers. It feels good to get it off your chest because fuck knows you can't cry about it, can you?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you grew up in an abusive home where you didn't learn how to handle anger well maybe your way of showing that is with your fists. If you're really messed up in the head enough by the violence that's to be had in this world you might just find yourself taking in a lot further than that. God help anyone who's nearby when you're drunk… and suddenly you ARE that guy everyone is terrified of. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You probably find yourself thinking "I sound just like my father/grandfather/uncle/that guy who sexually assaulted me on deployment/the bully from high school…" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You horrify yourself. You can't breathe and you can't cope....and at that point men tend to go one of two ways: They turn it inward or they turn it outward.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For those who turn it outward you see them trying to pretend there's no problem. It's just so much easier to live when you can pretend that's not how it is. It's not your fault...she was asking for it. She shouldn't have been there. She shouldn't have worn that dress. She shouldn't backtalk you. She should know her place. A man is the head of the home. All men are like this...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghmKuD5SQvIFRqSyWwH2RKgKTuUFiiSioGIXgWawNTpQ0zU9U8rNvoPuGcN_H2RlBl4IKVCe7BZ-cSKlrAGpsNpM90JDUk_030T3kwTXBqYUuQQzCjUuJXrpNQfMduHwO3luk3sC2auEU/s1600/791266.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="700" data-original-width="700" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghmKuD5SQvIFRqSyWwH2RKgKTuUFiiSioGIXgWawNTpQ0zU9U8rNvoPuGcN_H2RlBl4IKVCe7BZ-cSKlrAGpsNpM90JDUk_030T3kwTXBqYUuQQzCjUuJXrpNQfMduHwO3luk3sC2auEU/s400/791266.png" width="400" /></a><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm not a monster. I'm not a monster. I'm not a monster.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">These are the men we talk about most. The ones that everyone discusses. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I think there's quite a lot been said about the former. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I think there’s a lot needs saying about the latter. About the kind that turns inward. The ones that quietly and peacefully drink themselves to death without ever raising a fist. The ones that lose themselves in World Of Warcraft and craft beer. The ones that silently slink away in the night and take a long walk off a short plank. The ones that stop living. The ones that go cold on us, and distant and unemotive. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I think those are by far in the majority. </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">These men are ending their lives in shame and silence or living under a crushing burden of quiet despair. By acknowledging this fact instead of ignoring how pervasive and real the oppression of the patriarchy is FOR MEN, we can change the conversation.<b>
</b>In the patriarchy there are no winners. There are only losers. It's not Them against Us. <b>
<i>There's just us.
</i>
</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c2022; font-family: Helvetica, Roboto, "Segoe UI", Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">"The point is not for women simply to take power out of men’s hands, since that wouldn’t change anything about the world. It’s a question precisely of destroying that notion of power." - </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c2022; font-family: Helvetica, Roboto, "Segoe UI", Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Simone de Beauvoir</span></div>
Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-85696983999316068732017-11-24T20:52:00.000+02:002017-11-24T20:53:20.691+02:00#NotAllChristiansHate<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Today I watched this talk. I felt like I was hearing my inner monologue from a decade ago. I was moved to write about my feelings, especially in the current world climate of hate masquerading as religious piety.<br />
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We are living in a new age of persecution by the Christian faith. You heard me right.<br />
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There is a dominant narrative in a large number of modern denominations born from a school of doctrines that have popularised the following ideas that Christians use to justify oppressing others:<br />
<br />
1. Spare the rod: The belief that physical violence is a valid and even essential tool for appropriate parenting. This teaches that you are not allowed sanctity of your person if you disobey a dogmatic rule set by an authority figure, regardless of your opinions on the rule. This attitude later justifies to Christians why violating the bodies of nonbelievers is a valid form of care and love.<br />
<br />
2. Demons can possess people, it is an affliction that affects their ability to conform to dogma, and it is your duty as a fellow believer to liberate them, by force if necessary. This line of reasoning teaches that different beliefs are a disease in need of a cure, and the cure may be administered involuntarily because the demon is in control and thus the person is not fully human.<br />
<br />
3. Demonposession is catching. By associating with the possessed, you make yourself vulnerable to possession and familial disaster. This has two effects. It teaches believers to other divergent thinkers as possessed, thus efficiently dehumanising them, and it invokes the aforementioned notion of forced treatment for their affliction but elevates it to a group level.<br />
<br />
4. We must liberate the world from the yolk of Satan. This neatly corrals all divergent thinkers ( and to dogmatic Christians EVERYONE not of their faith is divergent) into a position of infantilisation to the parental love of Christ and his "bride", the church. And since we've already established you shan't spare the rod...<br />
<br />
It's easy to see how some would then take this rationale and extend it to include rape, assault, even murder or genocide. If the Stanford prison experiment taught us anything it is that a few bad rules can make a monster out of anyone.<br />
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I watched her talk on cults and the abuse she experienced and it hit me like a gut punch.<br />
<br />
This was my life.<br />
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This was my partner's life too.<br />
<br />
Divergence led to othering because of perceived satanic influence and this later justified abuse. Her eventual motive for rejecting conservative Christian doctrine pretty much matches my experience: That's not love.<br />
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My father is ultra conservative. It is commonly agreed by him and my grandmother that I am deranged, and that my beliefs result from demon possession.<br />
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When I stood my ground against his advocacy for the revocation of abortion rights and transphobic propaganda he became blatant in his attempt to force me to accept his abusive worldview or risk the relationship.<br />
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I chose to walk away.<br />
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I love my father. I miss debating art and philosophy with him. He loved discussing maths and science. I miss being held by him, his scruffy beard and sharp wit. I miss arguing with him...just not the arguments about dogma.<br />
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If you ask me to choose between two people I love I will not choose the one who made me choose. It's that simple.<br />
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If your doctrine teaches a seperation from sinners as an instruction from god, if it teaches humiliation as punishment and excommunication, the use of a the rod, if it demands unquestioning faith and obedience to power and accepts violence as a normal experience in families, if it encourages coerced marriages and shames difference or independent thought then I reject your dogma.<br />
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If it is a choice between your god or my sinful friends, I choose my friends because it was your god who made me choose between loving Him and loving everyone else.<br />
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If God is love, then let there be love or I reject your hypocritical god.<br />
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I will not respect your religious rights if they remove the right of others to choose to reject your doctrines and morality. So if you cry for your religious freedom to me while believing this you can cry me a river. I will not protect your faith.<br />
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Religious freedom is the freedom to choose your practice of faith. Any action that impedes this freedom is a violence against an individual's right to autonomy.<br />
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It is incompatible with a society free of war and cannot be thought of as ethical when viewed from the moral values common to the overwhelming majority of cultures, which is that we generally abhor violence towards others and should avoid it.<br />
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So no, you do not hide your hate under the veil of religious freedom or for that matter free speech ( but that's another rant...) with me.<br />
<br />
I will give you no quarter. No excuse for abuse.<br />
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Christians, you need to put your house in order. Take the beam from thine own eye. If you are in a church where these doctrines are accepted and can safely challenge this, speak out.<br />
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If you are silent, know that in the words of Archbishop Tutu you have taken the side of the oppressor.<br />
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Show the world that #notallchristians hate.<br />
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Regards,<br />
<br />
Someone who read the Bible,<br />
Cover to cover,<br />
But got stuck on Corinthians 13.<br />
<br />
PS. I'm agnostic now, so I've no horse in this race as it were. So don't go presumptiously frothing at the mouth about how I'm just some Dawkinsian verbally abusive atheist who denounces all religious practice. You don't know me.<br />
<br />
<br />Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-88648378332229959122017-11-13T09:33:00.001+02:002017-11-13T09:33:47.740+02:00About PMDDAbout a month ago I start both Concerta for ADHD and Zoladex for PMDD/Endometriosis.<br />
<br />
Gotta tell ya, this has been a trippy month...<br />
<br />
Everything was fantastic. I was doing stuff, organised, I was just rocking round the clock...<br />
<br />
Then I ovulated and all hell broke loose.<br />
<br />
For those unfamiliar with the disorder you may want to Google PMDD. It's PMS - but instead of just moody or emotional you're psychotic (literally) and suicidal or violent. AKA clinically insane. Until you start to bleed.<br />
<br />
The heaviest bleeding of my period has always been the day my partner and I know it's going to be ok again.<br />
<br />
This month was different. I hope that means the meds are working.<br />
<br />
It wasn't as bad as usual...but that was sorta worse from a certain perspective because I realise now I'm usually so far off the reservation I don't KNOW how bad it is.<br />
<br />
Before all this I was flying high. I felt fantastic. Life without stimulants for my ADHD was HELL. Getting the meds I needed was liberating.<br />
<br />
I was in a flawless routine. Up and at it by 8:30. I was eating, sleeping, working like a well adjusted adult for once. I was ticking off items on my task list so fast I was running out of to do's, a completely novel experience for me.<br />
<br />
Then I ovulated.<br />
<br />
Day one of PMDD everything I was shattered like glass. I stopped eating, cooking, bathing, moving, talking, working. My sleep cycle isn't. I wake up or pass out seemingly at random. Reality seems abstract. People feel like NPC's in a MMORPG. I don't know what day it is without checking the calendar on my phone. I lost a day twice in a week - I can't remember what I did that day at all.<br />
<br />
Everything hurts. I'm sorta limply trying to institute my usual chronic illness coping strategies but I keep finding myself doing something else, usually hours later, super confused about how I got so off track.<br />
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There are times, like now, when I'm lucid. I try to write or tell people about it. I guess I'm trying to take field notes for my research, or warm people of what's going on. But twice I've found half written essays in text on my phone.<br />
<br />
This piece has been discovered after I passed out around one today:<br />
<br />
"I haven't eaten. I was awake until 4am, then slept an hour and was awake again by 6.<br />
<br />
I have a back spasm and I keep catching my jaw clenching. I think that's how I passed out earlier - I took a tranquilliser for the back spasm. How many? I can't remember.<br />
<br />
I should eat. I never defrosted anything. There's fish fingers. Been saving those for days like today when I fail to function. Hurrah. The system works!<br />
<br />
I'll be back shortly. Fooooooood..."<br />
<br />
The next day:<br />
<br />
"I made fish fingers in the oven. Twice. The first time I forgot to turn the oven on, lol."<br />
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Four hours later I was asleep again. I wrote this the next morning:<br />
<br />
"I lost another day. I was awake for 4 hours, slept for 8, woke up tired and throbbing with anxiety.<br />
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Things are more sore than usual. Burning hands, random sharp pains in my legs.<br />
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If I take another Rivotril I may as well write off the next week too - the hangover at this kind of dose lasts days. Damnit I have things to do! You know! Like survive!<br />
<br />
What is happening physiologically?<br />
<br />
I wonder. If I can understand what's causing all these secondary issues maybe I can compensate. Many sites talk about Progesterone intolerance. Seems consistent with my case. Would explain why going on birth control at 14 coincided with me getting more nuts, and the disaster that was depo provera.<br />
<br />
Thank goodness I resisted doing that again. Sometimes I do get it right on instinct - I never had a hard science reason for saying no, I just felt it would be bad."<br />
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It's tough when all you have is instinct. People don't respect your intuition. Guess that's how I ended up in this mess. I never had a good enough explanation for why I said there was something wrong with me.<br />
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It's the hardest thing about this: Being treated like the girl that calls wolf.<br />
<br />
I've been judged a lot. Too lazy. Too selfish. Too dependant. Unwilling to commit. Defiant. Martyr complex. Hystrionic. Hypochondriac. Arrogant. Stubborn. Superstitious. Inflexible. A bitch. Borderline. Manipulative.<br />
<br />
Really sick day in and day out isn't something people understand. They can't conceive of it.<br />
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I think people just have a tolerance limit for drama...and if your life sucks more than they can deal with they bounce.<br />
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Can't blame them. I've had a lifetime to get used to this high octane level of ridiculously improbable bad luck. I don't even see it anymore. I was diagnosed as really seriously challenged at 4.<br />
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It's truly still surprising to me when I post something I think of as dark but funny online ie. "When your endometriosis is so bad they put you on chemo...:/" and people respond like my mum died.<br />
<br />
That was supposed to be like a little funny...I mean it's not actually chemo, they just called it that, it's a hormone treatment....oh whatever. "Thanks for the sympathies." I finally end up saying instead, feeling like a tool for making people worry so much.<br />
<br />
I forget it's a surprise to them that it's THAT bad. You get to the point of being insensitive to how really very strange it all is when it's your daily life.<br />
<br />
I don't feel like I'm a downer, but I guess I am. It's like having cancer. Just admitting you are ill reminds people of this terrible truth they feel they should be tiptoeing around, bowing to, like they need to dress in black, cover mirrors, speak in hushed tones, bring flowers to your grave...<br />
<br />
And I'm like, dude, I'm right here. Just chill. If I need a black parade I'll show up dressed like Wednesday Addams. If I'm not crying about it, you don't need to be on your toes about it with me either. I want to laugh about this. It helps.<br />
<br />
I dunno what to say. What do I need from people? Why did I write this?<br />
<br />
Maybe just for others like me. It's been the only thing that made me feel less nuts - reading about how others felt.<br />
<br />
So yeah man, you peeps aren't alone. I get you. *Hugs*<br />
<br />
<br />Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-4934775681791287362017-10-23T11:14:00.000+02:002018-05-16T21:13:32.713+02:00My child just got diagnosed today. What do I need to know?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUvZmnyVsgMG-bhxq0uNVAJXkqU8mKgxYqiEVltEmQn1rCg1sGIFdKvy_9adv0EaApcxYH5HW1BOJ5sCpdjKuUjHjJJ-ld4y1bgZvkXlgBc-FQYG5m1PBd_53ROC2Q0yyDspMow-nrDaw/s1600/20170723_15_30_24.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="243" data-original-width="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUvZmnyVsgMG-bhxq0uNVAJXkqU8mKgxYqiEVltEmQn1rCg1sGIFdKvy_9adv0EaApcxYH5HW1BOJ5sCpdjKuUjHjJJ-ld4y1bgZvkXlgBc-FQYG5m1PBd_53ROC2Q0yyDspMow-nrDaw/s1600/20170723_15_30_24.png" /></a></div>
<br />
Dear carer.<br />
<br />
Everything and nothing has changed.<br />
<br />
When we arrive we get handed a set of default character traits from a lotto basket, and sent off to the world without a user guide or a walkthrough.<br />
<br />
All of us.<br />
<br />
But two things are known.<br />
<br />
There are those who understand that kindness and cooperation is the only path, not just between equal adults but between all living things on the earth. ALL living things.<br />
<br />
And there are those that believe they control this world and things or other people in it.<br />
<br />
Be the former. There's no control over your life.<br />
<br />
There's just learning to surf the waves that would drown you with style, reveling in that with others, learning the skill or teaching it. Control is the dream, the illusion we all want to share.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDzoK3d_rvBKiv11KbjKNYdEFyklfMLu3TxsdCwikdFfJMjFIwUF-AqpthPxZ7vfSnTHoLrw9rKKSn9bzLvBqP2k4XdmgsoKPTpfjVACAo5yBy1Nn2zoUjrED_7TDIltFFLXSVcOy8zLY/s1600/images+%252812%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="332" data-original-width="443" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDzoK3d_rvBKiv11KbjKNYdEFyklfMLu3TxsdCwikdFfJMjFIwUF-AqpthPxZ7vfSnTHoLrw9rKKSn9bzLvBqP2k4XdmgsoKPTpfjVACAo5yBy1Nn2zoUjrED_7TDIltFFLXSVcOy8zLY/s320/images+%252812%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I'm going to be counting on you to teach me when you learn, because my waves are the kind that put people under the ground early more often than normal.<br />
<br />
But dude, if I lick it, you're gonna watch me surf some epic waves.<br />
<br />
People will try to stop you seeing me as a person like you. They will tell you what to do or think or feel or believe, as they try to determine how to get me to behave.<br />
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</div>
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<br /></div>
Aim to misbehave. It's said no well behaved woman ( or for that matter man) ever made history. Think on that.<br />
<br />
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<br />
Trust the ones who try to understand what YOU think. Who help you better understand what other people are thinking by helping you hear and see them better when they try to tell you.<br />
<br />
Those are the good ones with the knowings of the way of life.<br />
<br />
And remember I'm not little you, or less you, or kinda you, or you plus.<br />
<br />
I'm just you. We all are. We are all one thing, and the same thing: Sentient.<br />
<br />
Forget literally everything else you think you know. I'm about to matrix your life.<br />
<br />
You can let that break you. You can try to fight the sudden break in your world and sell me out for a steak and some potatoes and the illusion of that comfortable reality back again...<br />
<br />
Or you can realise that for the most part there really is no spoon.<br />
<br />
I don't need to speak, or write normally to communicate.<br />
<br />
I don't need to hit milestones to develop.<br />
<br />
I don't need to recover from being different. We're literally all different.<br />
<br />
I am also sentient like you. Nothing changes.<br />
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<br /></div>
But things just got real because someone noticed I'm off the proscribed child behavioural script and are trying to put me back on track.<br />
<br />
I'm likely not liking that track.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
Get me out of here if you need to. I might not be able to run. But I can show you if you watch me closely. Watch my eyes.<br />
<br />
We're going to need to stick together, you and I, if we want to get through.<br />
<br />
But you got this.<br />
<br />
Up to you. Blue Pill, Red Pill.Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-83804364448600677972015-08-31T13:36:00.000+02:002015-08-31T13:51:32.949+02:00Dysphoria.Triggers: Transgender dysphoria/suicide.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
She goes deathly calm. Then, in a almost imperceptible monotone she speaks. " I'll take a<br />
rope from the cupboard..."<br />
<br />
She uses the phrase "it hurts" and " I can't go on." so many times I lose track. Her eyes beg me to tell her it's OK to die. I can't bring myself to accept that, but I feel cruel and selfish for it.<br />
<br />
"All I can do is keep going, fueled by the desperation of ending this pain. It's like a sharp ache...that never dulls."<br />
<br />
She looks at me for minutes on end, never breaking eye contact. Tears roll silently down her face, too dignified for snot or puffy eyes they just leak out. I hold her hands and she crushes them but says "Don't touch me" when I try to hug her. I take my chances and rest an arm over her anyway. I wipe the tears from her face with slow precise exacting gentleness.<br />
<br />
"I have to go on. I take care of you because I must. I work when I can find a breath in the agony on only those things that might save me.<br />
<br />
But we both know nothing can save me. We can't get surgery. Nobody will pay for it. "<br />
<br />
Her face forms shapes I've never seen. I hold myself in stasis, gently smiling and holding her eye contact as my eyes brim. I hold this space for her, even though my mind is losing it's shit with horror and fear.<br />
<br />
Her eyes are dull. Vacant. She is everywhere in the eyes of torture victims I've seen in photographs - the ones who lived.<br />
<br />
We've had a quarter bottle of jack just to get her defenses down this far.<br />
<br />
She's been alone so long, before I came, with nobody to care how she feels, that she has no idea how to tell me what she's feeling. I say "It's like a story".<br />
<br />
At the end,both of us fading into sleep, we just stare at each other, filled with quiet desperation, like lovers in a car crash saying goodbye because you already know one of you might not make it to morning if the other can't stay awake and find help. I must find help. But where? She is a nameless face in a crowd. The surplus people.<br />
<br />
I'm scared to sleep. If I hide the rope...who am I kidding. She built hydrogen gas bombs as a kid in the well on their farm. How can I stop her. I must live with what she lives with.<br />
<br />
Is today the end of my willpower?<br />
<br />
Is today my last moment?<br />
There is no help. We've been through therapy and drugs. Now it is surgery or death.<br />
I have always known this<br />
I've known this for two years - she was dying.<br />
Every moment was cherished<br />
I may only have so few.<br />
<br />
I have always accepted she may not make it. 45% suicide rate.<br />
<br />
That statistic haunts me like a taunting spectre when we make plans to go to South America one day, or climb a mountain when I've mastered my physio.<br />
<br />
45%.<br />
<br />
She will not be alone when this suffering is all she knows.<br />
<br />
She will not be alone at the end after a life like like hersWhizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-33329378632269602302015-08-05T09:39:00.000+02:002015-08-05T09:39:12.324+02:00Your body is a spaceship<div class="msg">
<div dir="ltr">
A post about body-love (read while visualising Jewel Taite and listening to the theme of Firefly)</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Your body is a space ship. It's getting you through space
and time. Maybe it's dinged up, a bit dodgy in the mainframe, and she's
on the heavy side... but this baby takes you to all the coolest places
you've ever been. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
She's been with you since day one. She never bitches too
loudly, even when you throw cane spirits in the gas tank and you don't
change her oil for two years. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
She breaks down a lot...but each morning she's there, ready to get you where you need to go.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Love her. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Sure, try your best to look after her, but don't beat
yourself up if you're not able to get the best bodywork or run the high
octane fuel. She's not nearly as fussy as you are about her
performance.... she does what she needs to with what's at hand.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Life's too short to spend it feeling crappy about your
space ship. We get what we get in the genetic lottery, and we can cry
about that for the rest of our lives, or we can just bond with our baby
and do our best by her.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
And just remember: any halfway decent person is not going to give us shit about our spaceship.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
If you want to insult my spaceship or how I run her, you'd
best be ready for a fight. I live here, she's mine and you don't get an
opinion.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
If I want advice on the care of my ship, I'll visit a mechanic thanks. You're not qualified to mess with her wiring!</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
So love your spaceship.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
*hugs* sorry that you feel so bad about your spaceship.
It's's not your fault. You've been brainfucked by the world to tie up
all that stuff with who you are. But you are not your spaceship. That's
just your transport and equipment. You're the spark of life behind your
eyes...and you're always beautiful.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
PS. Don't trust all the mechanics either. Some of them are assholes.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Come over to the dark side - we have cookies, we're overweight and we don't care.</div>
</div>
Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-64103040421867487882013-04-04T23:11:00.000+02:002018-05-20T00:02:56.941+02:00Some feminists are transphobic - deal with it.<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2sGfkejEugbv8GTIdy9_uocZmNEXRpTZjrM4HsuM-qywX5nW8PLsXf4F5SiDXOw8xDex99sh_KRclHqiuBfldnxRbr8YZO5c5Veqk5UfnEPOErRlapDmOfakpPPeu1SVU2X0q-OUWedc/s1600/matrix+wachoswski+trans.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2sGfkejEugbv8GTIdy9_uocZmNEXRpTZjrM4HsuM-qywX5nW8PLsXf4F5SiDXOw8xDex99sh_KRclHqiuBfldnxRbr8YZO5c5Veqk5UfnEPOErRlapDmOfakpPPeu1SVU2X0q-OUWedc/s400/matrix+wachoswski+trans.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Lately there's been a lot in the news about <a href="http://freethoughtblogs.com/carrier/archives/2783">high profile transgender folk</a>. Seems people have been talking over tea a bit more than before, and recently a close friend of mine asked me to comment on a thread where a troll was bandying about some choice words regarding transsexual women wanting to be accepted as, you know, <i>women.</i>This made me feel a bit ranty. So without further ado - to the rant blog!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Transwomen are women. Transmen are men. And yes, I mean like "real" men, and "real" women (why do those concepts give me the heebie-jeebies?)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Why do I say this? Because some really clever scientists who did some really complicated sciency stuff (you know, like brainscans and twin studies and post mortem brain structure studies) tells me that this is probably a good thing to do. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Some very pushy feminist types, especially some very butch lesbians and a couple of very camp gay guys, have given me some really pretty sexy philosophical arguments as to why they think gender is all a evil societal construct. They seemed legit, being homosexual and all, and some of them even had philosophy majors. You could be forgiven for thinking their opinions are authoritative. Still, maybe its just me, but where medical conditions are concerned, I tend to prefer theories that contain data that came from a medical professional, not a minority activist or a philosophy major. <br />
<br />
While from a purely genotypical and phenotypical perspective it is
technically accurate to describe transsexual individuals as being male/female according to birth <i>sex</i>, it turns out that what defines ones <i>gender</i> as either male
or female is rather more complex than either genetics OR
genitalia.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_EsLbcdNpiSOzbC9l1cAp7v41uAxKe-Lxs-Jh3C6Rhud1rWzlG9lx0yt7dl6wxhmubCCW_-TQJr6W6-2PnNlgkzy420bBTAKSP0fRb9dRFmpyzYGSfVdZFNd3ECOnETm_df7PQiLvd0A/s1600/Genderbread-2.1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="257" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_EsLbcdNpiSOzbC9l1cAp7v41uAxKe-Lxs-Jh3C6Rhud1rWzlG9lx0yt7dl6wxhmubCCW_-TQJr6W6-2PnNlgkzy420bBTAKSP0fRb9dRFmpyzYGSfVdZFNd3ECOnETm_df7PQiLvd0A/s400/Genderbread-2.1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I can refer you to <a href="http://www.gendertree.com/Gender.htm">a very informative article</a> which explains in fairly thorough detail where the diagnosis, treatment and definition of trans comes from historically, and what current medical science has come to know in recent years about this condition. My favourite bit is where they come to the conclusion that brain development<i> </i> <i>in-utero</i> largely determines gender identity, and that definite brain structure differences are observable between genders - also in transsexual folk who identify as those genders. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The long and the short of it seems to be that our brains are actually structurally linked to our gender identities, and, we were born that way.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxZuBan4C5nIF2SX8-edkJwxuAoGYicu8KaRv_EC5QQmccv1RB1dT_PyHl0Uv_1tLOQiQjoCpDlKWfRnVBByuHmbh4IDerrizyiJXmwgXYdNld4_9UUtjCdLITSlt4MET0V194xM_jBbs/s1600/born+this+way+trans+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxZuBan4C5nIF2SX8-edkJwxuAoGYicu8KaRv_EC5QQmccv1RB1dT_PyHl0Uv_1tLOQiQjoCpDlKWfRnVBByuHmbh4IDerrizyiJXmwgXYdNld4_9UUtjCdLITSlt4MET0V194xM_jBbs/s320/born+this+way+trans+.jpg" width="282" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
If you want to know more, feel free to hit up some Google scholar articles or a couple of good libraries. I was required to do so myself not so long ago. Oh and look at recent publications, since the really juicy mind altering discoveries are less than 10 years old.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As for the philosophers: </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have several issues with the inherent sexism and patriarchal structures that tend to crop up in transgendered circles. I wondered why it was so important for transwomen/men to be "women" or "men", and not just "transwomen"/ "transmen". Surely we should be fighting for these terms to be accepted, instead of trying to obscure the problem behind genetic and phenotypical word games?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm pansexual. I'm in a polyamorous triad. I'm into BDSM. I do not subscribe to any religious or philosophical dogma for much longer than it takes me to read up about it. To paraphrase Henry Rollins I "burned my closet for kindling". Lets face it, I have a desperate incompatibility with things coercively normative. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
However, when I fell in love with a thoroughly no-nonsense young trans individual who had a great sense of humour and a low bullshit quotient, I discovered to my shame that I had been propagating coercively normative ideologies in the name of equality and activism for a number of years. I for a long time believed I was Cisgendered (my wetware matches my software, I was assigned my chosen gender at birth) and therefore was rather blind to cissexism. <br />
<br />
What 20 years of feminism could not teach me, I learned when I loved someone who lived with this on a daily basis. In time I discovered that what I thought I knew about gender equality was littered with prejudice and
propaganda propagated by <i>all </i>factions of the gender wars.<br />
<br />
Interestingly,
transpeople have often been invisible observers in the gender wars. For
those who do not appear obviously transgendered (they "Pass") a world is
opened up where they become privy to the secret intimate world that is
guarded by each individual gender grouping. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The cisgendered
majority accept every day in their basic interactions a rather
remarkable amount of silent sexism from each other. Take it from a
transperson to know just how many small prejudices we are all blind to. They have been taking this stuff in their stride for so long, nobody even <i>knows</i>
it's bullshit - because none of them will ever see the way the other side
lives. I sure as hell learned a lot about invisible sexism from my trans partner, and I'm a better feminist for broadening my mind to include that worldview.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Without shame or rancour, I was set straight about
what transsexuality is and isn't. It is, simply put, a medical condition. That is all. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
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The hysterical rantings often held up in an attempt to protect the sanctified and holy spaces of the cisgendered (like bathrooms and womens only concerts and feminism) are, in my opinion, roughly on par with the arguments proposed for "protecting" heterosexual marriage. Same bullshit, different topic. Transgender people are as much of a threat to cisgendered interests and spaces as homosexuals are to heterosexual marriage.</div>
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There are no really tasty benefits to being transgendered. The suicide rate is over 50%, the overall death rate 75%, due to such factors as starvation, exposure to the elements, assualt, and murder. They face the most frequent and most serious discrimination of any minority group in the LGBT cluster. They are frequently profiled as being mentally ill, pathological liars and sexually deviant (which, research shows, is no more likely to be true of them than of their cisgendered counterparts, or other minority groupings). Hell, when their condition is managed using internationally approved treatment protocols, they actually look pretty...normal. You know, like that kid with bad eyes who got glasses and could then live the rest of their lives reading the board from the back row like anyone else. </div>
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Still, it turns out that being accepted as your target gender at all is a pretty shitty second prize when you have to live as "Freaky Friday" for your entire childhood, youth and reproductive years (and if you are treated in your youth, the treatment leaves you sterile, and you live the rest of your life afraid to have people see your childhood photos). </div>
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Lets not even BEGIN to talk about the cost and scarcity of medical treatment. How would you feel if you needed that pair of glasses, but you had to wait 25 years* to get one because your minority is so small that no facilities are available to receive treatment sooner? Unless, of course, you're willing to fork out half a million Rand for good treatment in Thailand.</div>
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For transsexuals, being accepted as a woman/man is not primarily an attempt at subdueing an unaccepting society, but a best effort attempt at treating a truly craptastic medical condition.There is, at best, only poor palliative and prosthetic treatment, and you'll just have to live with the fact that there is no real remedy for the chimerism of having brain structures mapped onto physiology that is opposite to your gender.</div>
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You know, like having to wear scratchy contact lenses or bottlebottom brainy-specs. Even if they are really cool specs, or really nice contact lenses, you are still going to get called four eyes, or end up with pink eye twice a year. But then...glasses won't get you beaten to death by bullies the way peeing standing up/ not peeing standing up potentially can. </div>
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Its not a lame defense against the patriarchy or an attempt to gain male privilage. Its not generally motivated purely by self hatred or a desire to conform to gender normativity. Its about having what all of the rest of the Cisgendered schmucks take for granted - having your phenotypical carpet match your neurological drapes. <br />
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For me, accepting transsexual women as women is about widening the parameters of what it means to be a man or a woman. To permit anyone who wants to claim that gender construct to do so if they wish - much like allowing modern feminists to be Volvo-driving soccer moms (if that's what floats their neo-feminist boats). Its about letting go of policing gender. Its about conceding that despite our desperate attempt to claim that gender is purely a societal construct, science has shown us this is NOT the case but gender IS more multifaceted than previously believed.<br />
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It really sucks for activists when their arguments dissolve in a puff of scientific smoke, but I am a scientist first, and an activist second, so my brain didn't hurt so much the day after I woke up from this particular hangover.</div>
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We tend not to deal with that kind of defeat well, especially when our entire argument rests on (faulty) assumptions about gender that we have been fighting to entrench for generations - the idea that we have roughly interchangeable brains gender-wise but VERY definite physical differences.<br />
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As usual, in nature, the argument is rather more complex. Boys and girls can be whatever they want to be, because for every type of girl or boy or gender variant individual, there is a place in the wide continuum of human diversity. If we learn anything at all from the Kinsey report (other than that humans are a really creatively horny species), it is that human beings are <i>extremely</i> diverse.</div>
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Everyone deserves to be whatever they were born to be, or want to be - without judgement from either the moral majority OR minority.</div>
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I've reached a place in my life where I don't fight for us to wipe clean the slate of gender constructs anymore. I fight for the right for anyone to claim whatever gender construct they choose for themselves - because to me that is true equality. That is honouring the bell-curve. That is accepting that we are both a product of nature AND nurture.<br />
Accepting that some men have vaginas and some women have penises is really of no consequence to anyone who genuinely wants to fuck the patriarchy and free women from eons of oppression. Becoming comfortable with the reality that we can't know the content of a persons mind or underwear by looking at them is likewise a good way to advance the cause of equality. We really need to get over the compulsive need to know what whether they have the right equipment down south BEFORE we buy a person a drink. The answer is that that's just one more thing about you'll need to learn the polite way: By getting to know them.<br />
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Trans people generally fight really hard for gender equality and to destroy sexism and patriarchal power - because transmen really hate the patriarchy for<br />
telling them that being a man isn't an option, and transwomen really hate sexism because society treats them like even bigger crap than cis women.<br />
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They hate this stuff JUST LIKE WE DO.</div>
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So in short, friends, please can we stop hating on them for wanting to be men and women just like you?<br />
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:)</div>
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*Recent information from the Transgender therapy team at Grootte Schuur Hospital</div>
Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-61569874509017341492012-04-11T12:50:00.000+02:002012-04-11T12:52:52.603+02:00Polyanarchy<br />
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So this question popped up on the Polyamory forums recently :</div>
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<strong>Hi Polly,</strong></div>
<strong style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.917969); color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I’m interested in something-more-than-platonic with two friends of mine (seperately, rather than as a group). They’ve already been good friends for a while. If I ask one of them out, should I disclose that I fancy her friend too? And if so, when?</strong><br />
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<strong>Ancelin</strong></div>
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And a lot of the answers this poster got were pretty big on the whole "NOOOO don't do two at a time!" thing. On the other hand some people felt it would be lying NOT to tell both people. I just thought people were missing the point, so I found my ink and quill and got cracking :</div>
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I wouldn't make a hard rule about starting more than one relationship at the same time, but I would caution anyone who tried that they need to consider the amount of energy it will take to bootstrap two new relationships. New relationships are about as disruptive to your old lifestyle as having a child (ok, maybe not <i>quite</i> that bad but it comes close.) and you may find yourself suffering from burnout, or alternatively neglecting one of both of your partners because you don't have enough emotional bandwidth to keep up with the intensity of NRE generally found in a new relationship. Even old-hands at poly struggle with this particular nugget. </div>
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I think the idea of learning to just sit with your affection for a person for a while is a good thing. Sometimes it just isn't the right time or place to start a relationship. Life is long, and it is worth it to take your time rather than compulsively attaching yourself to every person you are attracted to just because you are not prohibited from doing so. I don't think that qualifies as being deceitful - it strikes me as being a mature, responsible adult.</div>
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Then again you simply can't always control when you find someone who just fits, and if there happens to be two then the best you can do is arm yourself with foreknowledge. My best piece of advice would be to really focus on remembering to take care of your own needs, and encouraging your lovers to do likewise. Early on in a relationship we all tend to want to do anything and everything to please our new partner, and it is easy to let yourself get lost in that (I speak from experience here!). Consciously take some time-outs where you spend time alone with yourself taking stock and remind your lovers to do the same - especially if anyone in the group is new to polyamory.</div>
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I do not believe in hierarchical relationships - I prefer to see all my partners as part of my extended family, and families do their best not to play favourites. When any one person in my "family" has an issue, all of us who are involved sit down and talk about it in a group. They don't have to all be BBF's, or lovers, but they should at least be able to have an adult conversation with one another in a friendly manner. I may not be popular for saying this, but personally I feel that wanting to segregate different partners is a sign of a lack of trust between partners and maturity from the person who is insisting on the segregation.</div>
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It essentially boils down to an inability to accept the truth - that you are in a non-monogamous relationship, and that this requires adjustments on your part that may trigger your feelings of insecurity and abandonment. If you are not willing and able to address these issues in an adult fashion through clear communication with all involved parties, you may not be mature enough emotionally to handle polyamory. </div>
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If those feelings are born out of issues in your existing relationship, it is best to resolve these issues with your partner BEFORE entering into a new relationship with a third party. If they are born out of previous trauma or abuse, I'd suggest getting therapy for a while, then trying again once you've learned to handle the issues better. It all boils down to taking personal responsibility for your own needs and happiness.</div>
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For me the heart of the matter is that there are no hard rules in Polyamory - much like Anarchy - and that it comes down to each of the partners involved knowing their own limitations well and practicing self discipline. There are no poly-policemen who will keep them in line, and it is up to them to show the maturity needed to self-regulate their relationship. </div>
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That's all she wrote!</div>
</div>Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-71562626819367486962011-01-31T12:09:00.006+02:002011-01-31T16:06:42.385+02:00The story of our first date."...vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love." - Brene Brown<br /><br /><br />Today my husband told me the story of our first date.<br /><br />I believe it is customary, in most normal marital relationships, for each partner to have some recollection of the events of their first date. For this reason it has always left me with a profound sense of shame when it occurred to me that I could not, for all my best efforts, recall the day I met my husband in person for the first time.<br /><br />There are many other things I don't remember. For the first three years I did not know my own wedding date, and I still have to call my husband at least half the time someone wants to know his birth date.<br /><br />I had always been ashamed to be so very absent-minded. Having been a child diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, I had been drilled on the shame of being late for appointments, forgetting birthdays and names, forgetting to keep a promise etc. etc. etc. By the time I was 10, I was quite terrified of forgetting. I felt like Dora the fish, or that girl in 50 First Dates - my mind was broken.<br /><br />I hated forgetting or becoming distracted, and I was almost obsessively careful never to admit to it unless I felt it would be socially acceptable. Having felt the shame of forgetting so important a date as our first date, it never occurred to me that my husband would have been happy to remind me.<br /><br />As is his way, he told me only the facts. He recalled how he arrived in a bakkie with his friend. He recalled that I was sitting on the metal garden chairs in my parent's garden. I wore a black top, and my pants were easy to unzipper.<br /><br />At this point I smiled and felt a certain thrill, the kind often described in trashy romance novels as a <span style="font-style: italic;">frisson</span>. Here I was, a grown up woman, hearing the story of her own seduction as a innocent young thing. Wonderment!<br /><br />He took me with him in his mind: We drove to the nearby mall, and we watched the movie Swordfish. Neither of us remember the film well – we were otherwise occupied (Here he smiled like a sunny day). We petted in the back of the bakkie while his friend had a beer in the nearby bar.<br /><br />And then I remembered. I remembered it <span style="font-style: italic;">for myself</span>.<br /><br />It flooded back. Being nervous and exited and terribly flattered that a young man who goes to University and is three years older than me and who had to travel two hours from Pretoria to Johannesburg to see me would want to come and meet me.<br /><br />I remembered how we played and fondeled like good little closeted Afrikaans kids do when their parents aren't watching. I remembered my old boyfriend calling me on my cellphone, and me admitting that I was “with the new man in my life” just to cut him off, and then feeling afraid that I had admitted too much of how I felt about my new beau within his earshot.<br /><br />I remembered more. I rememebered being just a kid, head over heels in love. I remembered the midnight texting and sexting. The cybering. The emails. The long philosophical discussions(which were to become a mainstay of our relationship). I remembered my V-shaped tops that had only spagetthi straps in the back and my hipsters that showed off my bellybutton.<br /><br />I remembered reading Isaac Asimov for the first time. Larry Niven. Robert Heinlein.<br /><br />In that moment of remembering it struck me that I was feeling a sense of joy so great that I wanted to soar up into the sky and do loop-de-loops. Here were the tender, beautiful days of my courtship brought vividly to life in my mind again.<br /><br />It struck me then how much of a fool I had been. This happiness had always been there for the taking. I could have felt this moment again each time I asked him to tell me the story.<br /><br />Today we have been a couple for 3467 days, and for the first time I wasn't afraid to admit that I didn't remember our first date.<br /><br />Suddenly I realised there were many other things I have been ashamed to admit I had forgotten. Many things that my husband, who has the mind of a cyborg datarecorder, could be called upon to recall with me, and in so doing, enjoy once more.<br /><br />The thrill of exitement this gave me was immense and made me feel so great a measure of joy that I felt I should sit down and write it all down this very instant.<br /><br />:D<br /><br /><iframe title="YouTube video player" class="youtube-player" type="text/html" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/X4Qm9cGRub0" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" width="640"></iframe>Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-5268761109385629582011-01-19T11:25:00.002+02:002011-01-19T12:37:53.795+02:00Polyamory v. CheatingHaving cheated on my husband, and since I credit this as part of my path to becoming polyamorous, I must confess I am biased in the argument over whether polyamory is of any use in resolving cheating. If cheating is symptomatic of a grave and incurable narcissism in a partner then certainly polyamory will not resolve anything. However there are other reasons why people cheat.<br /><br />I think very often one of the true motives behind cheating is treating love as a currency in relationships, and assuming you are poor. I certainly know this to be true of my own relationship before we became polyamorous. Furthermore there is a great deal of insecurity and distrust in relationships where one or both partners cheat.<br /><br />In most monogamous relationships there is a quite common idea that states that, upon marriage/dating/co-habiting all your romantic love now belongs to your partner.<br /><br />In this context having another relationship essentially involves you giving your love, which does not belong to you because you are part of a couple, to another person. If love is a currency, then having a second relationship is like buying one partner with your finite measure of love, then taking the love back and buying another with the same currency. Apart from the pain of the implied rejection, there is a great measure of outrage over the fraud implicit in this scenario. Even if this is done by agreement it will be very painful for at least one party in the trio.<br /><br />In polyamory (assuming it is practiced properly) there is no fraud, and love is not considered a currency. It is rather something of a natural resource like air which everyone is entitled to and which is in abundant supply. It is not considered unusual for two partners to agree to allow one another the freedom to explore other relationships because there is no assumption that you are giving away a scarce resource - your partner's love.<br /><br />Cheating is often a result of insecurity and distrust. When partners feel insecure and distrust each other, they legislate. Thou shalt not look at another woman (lest you leave me for her). Thou shalt not flirt with another man (lest he be better in bed than me). It all boils down to the desire we all have to be loved and wanted and the fear that when the chips are down there are others who are more lovable than we are. These rules do not make us feel any more secure because they undermine any attempt at building real trust. The simple truth is that in such relationships people do not agree to be true to each other through the execution of free will but through mutual fear of abandonment.<br /><br />For them, learning about non-monogamy may hold the key to healing an unhealthy relationship dynamic, even if they do not convert to an open relationship.<br /><br />Society idealises and idolises romantic love. It is treated as if it were an illness we contract, or some disease that we suffer from. Our judgement is expected to be warped, our behaviour ridiculous and childish at times and a whole separate set of rules apply to interactions that involve romantic love as opposed to any other kind of love. "All's fair in love and war" people say. A vast swathe of otherwise unacceptable behaviours (jealousy, rudeness, vengefulness etc.) are excused when love is involved. They defend our right to resolve our insecurities and lack of trust by constructing elaborate structures that restrict our partner's movements, social attachments, finances and even feelings rather than by confronting the issue through communication and negotiation. All in the name of "Love".<br /><br />How would I say polyamory is an alternative to cheating?<br /><br />I feel it should be understood by the world that trust is the real currency of relationships and that the communication of needs and expectations is the grease that oils the cogs of coupledom. Furthermore total honesty between partners is only way that any relationship should be conducted whether it is monogamous or polyamorous because real love is not conditional.<br /><br />Polyamorous people can help by teaching these concepts, which are the pillars upon which we build our open relationships. Those of us who successfully practice polyamory needs must have learned some of these skills, because there is nothing that flies apart as quickly as a polyamorous relationship where people don't communicate, don't trust each other and believe that love is a currency which is in short supply.Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-70951804762946387162011-01-01T14:25:00.006+02:002022-06-14T14:28:41.025+02:00Colouring outside the lines<span style="font-style: italic;">Which path do you intend to take, Nell?' said the Constable, sounding very interested. 'Conformity or rebellion?'</span><br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">'Neither one. Both ways are simple-minded. They are only for people who cannot cope with contradiction and ambiguity.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">---Neal Stephenson, "The Diamond Age"</span><br />
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Recently I have found myself looking back on the pain I have suffered throughout my life and this year in particular, when I had a miscarriage, got the measles, lost my job and relapsed into a Bipolar depression.<br />
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In retrospect, I realise that somehow I have walked away profoundly grateful, no matter the sadness I have had to deal with. Things could have been a hell of a lot worse. I could be dead.<br />
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When your tightly controlled little universe comes crashing down around you, you have to confront who you are deep down in your heart. I did not truly know who I was until this year. I did not know what I had in me.<br />
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Had it not been for the trials of this year, I may have lacked the deep confidence in myself needed to pluck up the nerve to face society on my own terms. All of us should be able to do that at some point in our lives.<br />
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I know now what I have to do with my life, and to do that there is a matter I must address that I have been neglecting for some time.<br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">"If I was gay, there would be no closet, you would never see the closet I came out of. Why? I would have burned it for kindling by the time I was 12. Because I know with all certainty in my mind, there is nothing wrong with being gay, and you know it." - Henry Rollins</span><br />
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Hello, World. I am bisexual, polyamorous and agnostic.<br />
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For those who are unclear: <span style="background-color: white;">Bisexual means I can love both men and women romantically and intimately.</span><br />
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Polyamory is the practice of having more than one romantic partner at a time – what I call "equal opportunity polygamy".<br />
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Agnostic means I'm still thinking over whether I believe any of the literature passed around regarding various deities and philosophies of life.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-style: italic;">"You people and your quaint little categories." — Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood</span><br />
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Some of you may know this already. To those of you who do I want to send my sincerest thanks for being the kind of people who's tolerance and non-judgemental attitude has bolstered my courage and helped me reach this point. For the rest of you I apologise for having lived a lie for so long – you deserved better from me. I shall endeavour to correct this fault.<br />
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In the spirit of new beginnings and making New Year's resolutions I am, this year, stepping up and making my voice heard. My attitude to all comers is the following: Everyone has an opinion. Opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one. You are permitted to have a different one than me.<br />
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As long as you do not threaten my right to life, happiness and reasonable freedom of choice, and I likewise do not threaten yours, there really is no cause for us to argue. I respect people who have strong convictions. I am someone who has strong convictions myself.<br />
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I am not a militant individual. I have always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. Having been someone who was until fairly recently deeply convinced of the validity of my own monogamy, religion and straight sexual orientation I can say this: I feel these choices each have their own benefits and detriments and everyone should have the freedom to pursue whichever option they should deem congruent with their own particular beliefs at any given time.<br />
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In other words: I got no beef with any of you.<br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">"If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies."</span><br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">— Jon Stewart</span><br />
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I do not believe that religion is defunct and irrelevant. Rather, I truly have not made up my mind and must investigate further before drawing any conclusions. Tell me what you believe. I really want to understand if I can, even if we do not agree.<br />
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I do not reject monogamy as a concept. I just do not believe that I am monogamous. I think it is an immensely wonderful thing when two people can be happy with the love of only one another for the rest of their lives. I just can't seem to color inside the lines of this particular colouring book.<br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">Juno's Dad: 'Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">Juno: 'Yeah.... And I think I've found that person.' - Juno.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">As for bisexuality, well frankly, I am as surprised as you are. Until just this very year I had never in my life experienced a burning passion for a female member of our species. Based on this fact I had mistakenly (despite much experimentation on my part) supposed myself to be straight.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">To have one's perceived gender identity alter at the age of 27 is rather disconcerting, but in retrospect I realise now that I had always been as I am. I just simply hadn't met a woman I felt a strong enough affinity for to break the social conditioning I had had as a child. Upon arrival of said woman I was required to alter my opinion of myself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">“When the facts change, I change my mind.” -John Maynard Keynes</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">And so I come to the heart of my message to all my readers out there.</span><br />
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All the ways that my life has been a royal fuckup has taught me that life, despite my deeply idealistic personality, does not always work out like a movie script. If you want to have a happy ending to your life you're going to have to get off your behind and grab victory from the jaws of defeat.<br />
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You need to fight for who you are, because who you are is exactly what the world needs. If you are religious you can believe it is because God created you for a purpose. If you are a secularist you may justify it by saying that diversity in the population encourages robustness of the gene pool.<br />
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Whatever. I can't make you believe anything. I can tell you what I believe: I believe that you matter. All of you. Not for the person you pretend to be, but for the one that you are. I know, because you matter to ME.<br />
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Yes, I mean that it the most global sense. There may be as many people on the planet as grains of sand, but if any one individual is standing before me, you can bet your bottom dollar that I give a damn about them. Don't you? Do me a favour and go read 1 Corinthians 13 one more time.<br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">Ender: "No human being, when you understand his desires, is worthless. No one's life is nothing. Even the most evil of men and women, if you understand their hearts, had some generous act that redeems them, at least a little, from their sins." - Orson Scott Card, "Speaker for the Dead"</span><br />
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New Year is usually a time when we all question ourselves and look back with joy or regret at the year that we have lived. For those out there who look back and feel a great sadness for whatever reason I want you to know that no matter how terrible the events or circumstances, how obscure your life, how grave your sin or how old the enmity there is always hope.<br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">"Do not go softly into that good night" - Dylan Thomas.</span><br />
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I am a manic depressive and as such I can tell you I know what it is to feel hopelessness. You don't try to commit suicide three times unless you've had a brush with your own internal Dementors. Yet I believe happiness is something that can be manufactured, like a McGyvered solution, from the smallest of paperclips and a bit of bubblegum. Never stop looking for it, especially when you are in pain. It is the stuff that meaning is built out of. It is the stuff that helps us survive the darkest despair.<br />
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That, and whatever psychiatric drugs float your particular boat.<br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">"You know what I do when I'm feeling sad? I stop feeling sad and feel awesome instead." - Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother.</span><br />
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In a universe filled with entropy, with a society full of judgement and hatred and agression, being different can be dangerous. Here's the thing though: We are ALL different.<br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." -Robert A. Heinlein</span><br />
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For all of you out there who feel like you are living in a closet and you're not letting your little light shine, I invite you to come join me at the bonfire this New Year and let the motherfucker burn.<br /><br /><br />
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<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/QGJuMBdaqIw?fs=1&hl=en_GB" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3746667170663095627.post-32948280214810144582009-11-11T20:56:00.002+02:002009-11-11T21:04:16.195+02:00Romantiese pessimisme<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Hou my,</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">streel my</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">en belowe my </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">“Ewig Durende Liefde”.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Laat ek my hart</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">netjies ,</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">in tissue papier </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">weggee. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Lees saam aan </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Romeo & Juliet</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">en </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">English Patient</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Dan:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Belowe my jy sal doodgaan</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">(êrens,in my arms,</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> oor 'n misverstand)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Sodat ek kan treur en klaarkry </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">en nooit, </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">soos baie ander romantiese "fools", </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">moet opeindig </span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">en erken </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">dat ek </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">eintlik nie kan glo </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">in lewenslange liefde nie.</span><br /></div>Whizperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03090091115823252921noreply@blogger.com0