Monday, January 31, 2011

The story of our first date.

"...vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love." - Brene Brown


Today my husband told me the story of our first date.

I believe it is customary, in most normal marital relationships, for each partner to have some recollection of the events of their first date. For this reason it has always left me with a profound sense of shame when it occurred to me that I could not, for all my best efforts, recall the day I met my husband in person for the first time.

There are many other things I don't remember. For the first three years I did not know my own wedding date, and I still have to call my husband at least half the time someone wants to know his birth date.

I had always been ashamed to be so very absent-minded. Having been a child diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, I had been drilled on the shame of being late for appointments, forgetting birthdays and names, forgetting to keep a promise etc. etc. etc. By the time I was 10, I was quite terrified of forgetting. I felt like Dora the fish, or that girl in 50 First Dates - my mind was broken.

I hated forgetting or becoming distracted, and I was almost obsessively careful never to admit to it unless I felt it would be socially acceptable. Having felt the shame of forgetting so important a date as our first date, it never occurred to me that my husband would have been happy to remind me.

As is his way, he told me only the facts. He recalled how he arrived in a bakkie with his friend. He recalled that I was sitting on the metal garden chairs in my parent's garden. I wore a black top, and my pants were easy to unzipper.

At this point I smiled and felt a certain thrill, the kind often described in trashy romance novels as a frisson. Here I was, a grown up woman, hearing the story of her own seduction as a innocent young thing. Wonderment!

He took me with him in his mind: We drove to the nearby mall, and we watched the movie Swordfish. Neither of us remember the film well – we were otherwise occupied (Here he smiled like a sunny day). We petted in the back of the bakkie while his friend had a beer in the nearby bar.

And then I remembered. I remembered it for myself.

It flooded back. Being nervous and exited and terribly flattered that a young man who goes to University and is three years older than me and who had to travel two hours from Pretoria to Johannesburg to see me would want to come and meet me.

I remembered how we played and fondeled like good little closeted Afrikaans kids do when their parents aren't watching. I remembered my old boyfriend calling me on my cellphone, and me admitting that I was “with the new man in my life” just to cut him off, and then feeling afraid that I had admitted too much of how I felt about my new beau within his earshot.

I remembered more. I rememebered being just a kid, head over heels in love. I remembered the midnight texting and sexting. The cybering. The emails. The long philosophical discussions(which were to become a mainstay of our relationship). I remembered my V-shaped tops that had only spagetthi straps in the back and my hipsters that showed off my bellybutton.

I remembered reading Isaac Asimov for the first time. Larry Niven. Robert Heinlein.

In that moment of remembering it struck me that I was feeling a sense of joy so great that I wanted to soar up into the sky and do loop-de-loops. Here were the tender, beautiful days of my courtship brought vividly to life in my mind again.

It struck me then how much of a fool I had been. This happiness had always been there for the taking. I could have felt this moment again each time I asked him to tell me the story.

Today we have been a couple for 3467 days, and for the first time I wasn't afraid to admit that I didn't remember our first date.

Suddenly I realised there were many other things I have been ashamed to admit I had forgotten. Many things that my husband, who has the mind of a cyborg datarecorder, could be called upon to recall with me, and in so doing, enjoy once more.

The thrill of exitement this gave me was immense and made me feel so great a measure of joy that I felt I should sit down and write it all down this very instant.

:D

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Polyamory v. Cheating

Having cheated on my husband, and since I credit this as part of my path to becoming polyamorous, I must confess I am biased in the argument over whether polyamory is of any use in resolving cheating. If cheating is symptomatic of a grave and incurable narcissism in a partner then certainly polyamory will not resolve anything. However there are other reasons why people cheat.

I think very often one of the true motives behind cheating is treating love as a currency in relationships, and assuming you are poor. I certainly know this to be true of my own relationship before we became polyamorous. Furthermore there is a great deal of insecurity and distrust in relationships where one or both partners cheat.

In most monogamous relationships there is a quite common idea that states that, upon marriage/dating/co-habiting all your romantic love now belongs to your partner.

In this context having another relationship essentially involves you giving your love, which does not belong to you because you are part of a couple, to another person. If love is a currency, then having a second relationship is like buying one partner with your finite measure of love, then taking the love back and buying another with the same currency. Apart from the pain of the implied rejection, there is a great measure of outrage over the fraud implicit in this scenario. Even if this is done by agreement it will be very painful for at least one party in the trio.

In polyamory (assuming it is practiced properly) there is no fraud, and love is not considered a currency. It is rather something of a natural resource like air which everyone is entitled to and which is in abundant supply. It is not considered unusual for two partners to agree to allow one another the freedom to explore other relationships because there is no assumption that you are giving away a scarce resource - your partner's love.

Cheating is often a result of insecurity and distrust. When partners feel insecure and distrust each other, they legislate. Thou shalt not look at another woman (lest you leave me for her). Thou shalt not flirt with another man (lest he be better in bed than me). It all boils down to the desire we all have to be loved and wanted and the fear that when the chips are down there are others who are more lovable than we are. These rules do not make us feel any more secure because they undermine any attempt at building real trust. The simple truth is that in such relationships people do not agree to be true to each other through the execution of free will but through mutual fear of abandonment.

For them, learning about non-monogamy may hold the key to healing an unhealthy relationship dynamic, even if they do not convert to an open relationship.

Society idealises and idolises romantic love. It is treated as if it were an illness we contract, or some disease that we suffer from. Our judgement is expected to be warped, our behaviour ridiculous and childish at times and a whole separate set of rules apply to interactions that involve romantic love as opposed to any other kind of love. "All's fair in love and war" people say. A vast swathe of otherwise unacceptable behaviours (jealousy, rudeness, vengefulness etc.) are excused when love is involved. They defend our right to resolve our insecurities and lack of trust by constructing elaborate structures that restrict our partner's movements, social attachments, finances and even feelings rather than by confronting the issue through communication and negotiation. All in the name of "Love".

How would I say polyamory is an alternative to cheating?

I feel it should be understood by the world that trust is the real currency of relationships and that the communication of needs and expectations is the grease that oils the cogs of coupledom. Furthermore total honesty between partners is only way that any relationship should be conducted whether it is monogamous or polyamorous because real love is not conditional.

Polyamorous people can help by teaching these concepts, which are the pillars upon which we build our open relationships. Those of us who successfully practice polyamory needs must have learned some of these skills, because there is nothing that flies apart as quickly as a polyamorous relationship where people don't communicate, don't trust each other and believe that love is a currency which is in short supply.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Colouring outside the lines

Which path do you intend to take, Nell?' said the Constable, sounding very interested. 'Conformity or rebellion?'

'Neither one. Both ways are simple-minded. They are only for people who cannot cope with contradiction and ambiguity.'

---Neal Stephenson, "The Diamond Age"


Recently I have found myself looking back on the pain I have suffered throughout my life and this year in particular, when I had a miscarriage, got the measles, lost my job and relapsed into a Bipolar depression.

In retrospect, I realise that somehow I have walked away profoundly grateful, no matter the sadness I have had to deal with. Things could have been a hell of a lot worse. I could be dead.

When your tightly controlled little universe comes crashing down around you, you have to confront who you are deep down in your heart. I did not truly know who I was until this year. I did not know what I had in me.

Had it not been for the trials of this year, I may have lacked the deep confidence in myself needed to pluck up the nerve to face society on my own terms. All of us should be able to do that at some point in our lives.

I know now what I have to do with my life, and to do that there is a matter I must address that I have been neglecting for some time.


"If I was gay, there would be no closet, you would never see the closet I came out of. Why? I would have burned it for kindling by the time I was 12. Because I know with all certainty in my mind, there is nothing wrong with being gay, and you know it." - Henry Rollins



Hello, World. I am bisexual, polyamorous and agnostic.


For those who are unclear: Bisexual means I can love both men and women romantically and intimately.

Polyamory is the practice of having more than one romantic partner at a time – what I call "equal opportunity polygamy".

Agnostic means I'm still thinking over whether I believe any of the literature passed around regarding various deities and philosophies of life.




"You people and your quaint little categories." — Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood


Some of you may know this already. To those of you who do I want to send my sincerest thanks for being the kind of people who's tolerance and non-judgemental attitude has bolstered my courage and helped me reach this point. For the rest of you I apologise for having lived a lie for so long – you deserved better from me. I shall endeavour to correct this fault.

In the spirit of new beginnings and making New Year's resolutions I am, this year, stepping up and making my voice heard. My attitude to all comers is the following: Everyone has an opinion. Opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one. You are permitted to have a different one than me.

As long as you do not threaten my right to life, happiness and reasonable freedom of choice, and I likewise do not threaten yours, there really is no cause for us to argue. I respect people who have strong convictions. I am someone who has strong convictions myself.

I am not a militant individual. I have always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. Having been someone who was until fairly recently deeply convinced of the validity of my own monogamy, religion and straight sexual orientation I can say this: I feel these choices each have their own benefits and detriments and everyone should have the freedom to pursue whichever option they should deem congruent with their own particular beliefs at any given time.

In other words: I got no beef with any of you.


"If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies."

— Jon Stewart


I do not believe that religion is defunct and irrelevant. Rather, I truly have not made up my mind and must investigate further before drawing any conclusions. Tell me what you believe. I really want to understand if I can, even if we do not agree.

I do not reject monogamy as a concept. I just do not believe that I am monogamous. I think it is an immensely wonderful thing when two people can be happy with the love of only one another for the rest of their lives. I just can't seem to color inside the lines of this particular colouring book.


Juno's Dad: 'Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.'

Juno: 'Yeah.... And I think I've found that person.' - Juno.



As for bisexuality, well frankly, I am as surprised as you are. Until just this very year I had never in my life experienced a burning passion for a female member of our species. Based on this fact I had mistakenly (despite much experimentation on my part) supposed myself to be straight.

To have one's perceived gender identity alter at the age of 27 is rather disconcerting, but in retrospect I realise now that I had always been as I am. I just simply hadn't met a woman I felt a strong enough affinity for to break the social conditioning I had had as a child. Upon arrival of said woman I was required to alter my opinion of myself.


“When the facts change, I change my mind.” -John Maynard Keynes


And so I come to the heart of my message to all my readers out there.

All the ways that my life has been a royal fuckup has taught me that life, despite my deeply idealistic personality, does not always work out like a movie script. If you want to have a happy ending to your life you're going to have to get off your behind and grab victory from the jaws of defeat.

You need to fight for who you are, because who you are is exactly what the world needs. If you are religious you can believe it is because God created you for a purpose. If you are a secularist you may justify it by saying that diversity in the population encourages robustness of the gene pool.

Whatever. I can't make you believe anything. I can tell you what I believe: I believe that you matter. All of you. Not for the person you pretend to be, but for the one that you are. I know, because you matter to ME.

Yes, I mean that it the most global sense. There may be as many people on the planet as grains of sand, but if any one individual is standing before me, you can bet your bottom dollar that I give a damn about them. Don't you? Do me a favour and go read 1 Corinthians 13 one more time.


Ender: "No human being, when you understand his desires, is worthless. No one's life is nothing. Even the most evil of men and women, if you understand their hearts, had some generous act that redeems them, at least a little, from their sins." - Orson Scott Card, "Speaker for the Dead"


New Year is usually a time when we all question ourselves and look back with joy or regret at the year that we have lived. For those out there who look back and feel a great sadness for whatever reason I want you to know that no matter how terrible the events or circumstances, how obscure your life, how grave your sin or how old the enmity there is always hope.


"Do not go softly into that good night" - Dylan Thomas.


I am a manic depressive and as such I can tell you I know what it is to feel hopelessness. You don't try to commit suicide three times unless you've had a brush with your own internal Dementors. Yet I believe happiness is something that can be manufactured, like a McGyvered solution, from the smallest of paperclips and a bit of bubblegum. Never stop looking for it, especially when you are in pain. It is the stuff that meaning is built out of. It is the stuff that helps us survive the darkest despair.

That, and whatever psychiatric drugs float your particular boat.


"You know what I do when I'm feeling sad? I stop feeling sad and feel awesome instead." - Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother.


In a universe filled with entropy, with a society full of judgement and hatred and agression, being different can be dangerous. Here's the thing though: We are ALL different.


"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." -Robert A. Heinlein


For all of you out there who feel like you are living in a closet and you're not letting your little light shine, I invite you to come join me at the bonfire this New Year and let the motherfucker burn.